Confessions.

confessions.
1. i like the gift majano gave me for christmas. i like how he knew i would like it. ( a snowglobe with out pictures)
2. every single time i hear the last couple lines of phantom of the opera where she kisses him and says, "You are not alone." & when he says, "Christine I love you." I still cry.
3. eternal sunshine of the spotless mind makes me cry when it goes, "At least make up a goodbye." and he goes, "I love you, clem." when she says, "Bye Joely." & it's making me tear now just thinking about it.
4. whenever I feel like crying I just watch these movies so that I have the excuse to bawl my eyes out.
5. Christmas didn't feel like christmas, but I'm thankful for the break. I'm dead tired of school and such.
6. Abby got me a classic winnie the pooh for christmas, it's a adorable.
7. I hate the fact that my dad always has to keep himself in the picture somehow.
8. I still get sad when I see his face. All I'm thinking is, "Why did it have to come to this?" this whole I hate you even if your my own father thing. & I remember the times he used to be there for us. & God, it still breaks my heart.
9. I'm fucked up. I don't know what I want, I don't know who I want to be. I don't know. That's like my motto, and I hate it.
10. God, I am so sleepy.
11. I want to scream "Penis!" out loud and say that I have torrets in public like they did in 500 days of summer.
12. I'm so tired right now.
13. I want to roleplay on gaia, just so I can get into the knack of writing again.
14. I don't like journalism anymore, maybe it's cause I'm lazy.
15. Me and majano have been way too busy for each other. His swim, me school. & whenever we see each other it's only for a short period of time. 3 hours. Which is short. trust me. To get all this whole physical stuff out of the way considering we haven't seen each other in like 3 weeks, usually. that usually takes 3 hours. & then we can talk. And i love that part. When we talk.
16. I think I think too much about majano.
17. I badmouth him all the time when I talk about him to people I don't know. I don't really know why. I called him a jackass in front of my friend Deanna. & she was like, "Why?" & I was just like cause he's selfish, spoiled, hardheaded, narrowminded. Yaddayaddayadda. But i love him anyway.
18. God, I hate that word. Love.
19. With a passion.
20. I dream about other guys sometimes.
21. But it's only cause me and majano are drifting? That's no excuse. I won't go kissing anybody else trust me.
22. God, I hate this whole shit.
23. I like victoria's secret perfume angel's desire. it smells great.
24. I don't want to sleep yet.
25. I'm getting fat.
26. I want to do something worthwhile but it all comes back to me. Cause I'm selfish.
27. I'm self-conscious.
28. Insecure.
29. and get jealous easily.
30. I only think about my flaws.
31. When there's probably one or two good things about me.
32. My hand hurts. To be continued.

A Mess.

I haven't blogged in a while. It's cause I'm busy. But I was reading this shit & i realized how freaking deep & raw all this crap is. & I haven't written anything like that in a while. & i'm looking at pictures on dear_bright_young_love.'ecks'anga.com. & i love the pictures. & the quotes. Majano doesn't like the quotes. He says they suck. I can't see why. But whatever. I'm so freaking tired. One more day, one more day. That's all I'm hoping for, looking forward to. Sleeping till noon. I need a break. From life. So I'm up again at 10:22. Not sleeping yet 'cause I miss the feeling of the keyboard under my fingertips for all the right reasons. Not for some god damn Journalism Article, or for some bullshitted homework. I'm really tired of Junior year. But it's a crucial year, I heard. For college, and stuff. But I don't even know what I want to do in my life. All I've been sure of since the 6/7th grade was that I am going to change the world for the better. Not with a big bang. But with small stuff. Post it notes anonymously posted throughout the world saying, "You are loved." Maybe something like that. So if you see that, then that's going to be me alright. Oh, the joys of teen angst & e'cks'haustion. "Forever". I like the thought of the word, but I don't think it e'cks'sist. Me and Majano aren't going to last Forever. We just aren't. We woulnd't last a month in college. But y'know. I'm trying this thing where I live in the moment? Where I don't care about the future? But it hasn't been working out. I mean, I always find a way to think of the future. NYU, HCCC, College. Senior year. Pranks. I don't know. I want to pull a prank. Live in the moment. But like, I don't know. I just want to escape. Like majano said, "Get away from the same old same old."Just for a moment. Then I want to come back. But I don't think that makes sense does it? I don't know. I'm just a mess. A really big disaster. A contradiction. That's the only way I can describe myself. I read too much. Absorbed in these books, these stories, these quotes that dictate who I am. But nobody would really notice unless I'm all loud and outgoing. So what do i do? I don't know what the fuck I'm talkinga bout. I need to stop cursing. What's wrong with me. Why do I feel invisible sometimes? I don't know. Things are getting to my head. I don't want anything for christmas. Maybe a couple of books. Maybe a bookshelf. Maybe a key necklace. Or something sentimental. I dig sentimental shit. I really do. I always want people to notice the little things I do like using two packets of hot chocolate instead of one. Or putting garlic powder on my pizza. Or that my right eyebrow goes up in a bewildered e'cks'pression most of the time. Or that maybe I pick at my nails. & I don't look at the parts in movies when they start yelling or something. I don't know. I'm just a mess really. All this stuff is just spilled out 'cause I am so fkcing tired. Anyways, goodnight. I'll write again tommorow.



After a 2 hour nap. Or something.

I could cry in comfort.

So, I am so fucking tired of life. I am so tired of fucking trying. I try my fucking hardest and all i get are fucking 3's and B's. And especially in my freaking journalism and english classes. Pissed me off so much. I didn't expect to get B's in my favorite classes. God, I'm so freaking tired of trying. And I had so much shit to do today. & I need a fucking job, like theres no fucking tommorow. & my mom always says how i'm not going to manage getting a job because i'm not organized and stuff like that, but still. I'm so freaking tired, I need a job to distract me. & freaking majano, I'm just so stressed and then we got into this conversation about insecurities. & idk, all this shit. Then we fought for some reason, I don't know why. But I'm tired, and I just want to cry. And I need a freaking de-stressatiser. I just want to drown in my misery. I want to write. I want to escape all this stuff and disappear for a while. I don't know. It's not that I don't want to hang out with majano, its just I'm tired. What do you expect? And I'm so fucking tired that I'm trying to justify the fact that I'm not in UC anymore. (better education, shit like that) but I can't. & It's annoying the hell out of me. I want to disappear. I want to cry. Just so its all out of my system. I hate apologizing. I hate apologizing with a passion. I know it shows that I'm a stubborn coward, but I hate it. I know I'm indecisive. I know I'm not going to have a good future. I know what's wrong with me. But at the same time i Don't. It's bothering me, ever so much.

I wish they didn't sleep with me so I could cry in comfort instead of worrying about when they wake up.

Whackwhackwhakc.

So, vent a little bit. Stressing hella much lately. been keeping up with the grades and everything. anyway i broke down today 'cause i was so tired and stressed and i don't know. whack. Anyways my mom was yelling at me asking me what's wrong and I had a feeling it had to do with majano. I think majano triggers my an'ecks'iety attacks. Like I only had two. This is my second. But Eeh. Like I think it's bad. I need to stop thinking about stuff so much. About the relationship yaddayadda. But anyway. She asked me if I had se'cks'. and Like, majanos got it in a couple times but like, we haven't had full on se'cks' so I told her no. That's true right? I hope so. Anyways, I don't want to have full on secks anytime soon because I feel like it's giving myself completely to him? I mean, obviously I'm not a virgin cause he's got it in like 3 times? or more I'm pretty sure. But only single digits. But yeah, but no full on secks. Cause it feels like I'm going to feel completely vulnerable. & I'm not ready. And i guess that's why my mom doesn't want me to have secks? Bad ass grammer in this blog. queer. anyways, yeahs. But I feel bad cause he gets condoms? And we never finish cause I'm scared. & agh. i don't know. I'm okay with quickies but not full on secks. Or Making Love. Or Fucking. I can't have an hour secks. But my hormones want to ? But then I can't cause I'm not mentally ready I guess?

Agh. I'm so confused lately. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack.

He makes me happy.

just had the best day with majano, in like forever. i miss our late nights. see i'm up at 12; 23 still cause i dont want to go to sleep and forget. i mean i want to forget i'm hungry. but boy, i'm in love with this kid. it's not just the whole making out intense session thing, after like two weeks. but it's like, when we were laughing and talking and just fooling around. i freaking love that part of our relationship. like i'd give anything just to have that like, every single day. i'd even try to stop cursing. i love this kid so freakin' much. i mean, its not just a phyical attraction. he's the one who makes me smile une'ecks'pectedly. he's the one who makes me stay up late nights after have a good time with him. he's the one who makes me think. he's the one who makes my stomach erupt in freakin' butterflies, all the time. i mean, i know, i know we're not supposed to have se'ecks' and do anything like that. but man, other than that. i love this kid so freakin' much. I mean, we were just fooling around and I was messing with joel, and majano was laying across from me. Our foreheads touching. and it felt so right. It feels so right with him. and then it feels wrong. I know i contradict myself alot. but damn, lemme have this moment. i mean. i just had like a day of no fighting with majano. & i freakin' loved it. I love how i can still taste his kiss after he's left. i love how i can still smell him everytime i touch my close. i love holding his hands. it's the simple things y'know? & i really hope i stay with him forever. I mean, I'm prepared for wherever life takes me. But I hope. i really hope it's with him.

i'm in love with john majano. he makes me happy.

Please, please, just find me.

So. I don't know whats wrong with me. I love that we got our new puppy, Joel/MichaelAngelo/Leo/Theodore/Pongo. [We haven't decided on a name]. & I'm super happy, because he's our baby. And we have to watch him all the time. & it distracts me from school, missing majano, shit like that. & Last night, I questioned myself why I was being such a bitch to him lately. & I concluded its cause, well. If he does end up leaving me, or whatever for someone else, I figured it'd be because I was a bitch to him, y'know? At least in my mind I'd convince myself that he left me 'cause I was being a bitch. I'm just preparing myself for the worst. Or whats going to happen. I don't know anymore! I'm going everywhere in circles, octogons, squares, all kinds of neverending shapes. I'm so god damn lost with him. I don't know anymore! I want to be with him, I don't want to be with him. I'm fucking scared shitless of what he does to me. I'm not used to being completely vulnerable. I don't care if I'm using my dad as an e'ecks'cuse or whatever, but its the truth. I'm lost because of him. I'm fucking scared because of him. I want this whole thing between me and majano to be over then I dont because of him. I'm so fucking lost. Like I feel like I don't belong anywhere e'ecks'cept with abbz/tina/caresse/kat. cause its alright with caresse and kat. And abbz and tina are my best friends. They get me in ways people don't. Abby gives me advice and lets me talk to her till 1 in the morning even if shes sleepy. Tina cries when she reads all my writing because she understand all this shit I go through. & fuck they're my best friends. & I wish I could just be with them because it'd be fine with them. & I don't feel lost, I feel found. And when that feelings gone, I feel like I'm the only person in the world. Like no one can see me. & fuck, you don't understand how much I hate this empty feeling.

y'know, I prayed every single night for the past like, month? I pray for the same things every night. For God to keep Abby and Mommy safe. For Him to keep Tito Louie and Joel/Puppy safe. For him to maybe save my dad from whatever is wrong with him. And to keep Tina safe.

And the last words I pray are, "& God? Can you please find me? Like how Jesus left the herd of sheep when that one strayed away. I was wondering if you can find me. Because I've been lost and my hearts been hurting. So please, please, just find me."

outsidelookingin.

lonelylonelylonely. i've been awfully lonely, lately. "junior schedule, junior schedule, junior schedule." I'm on the outside looking in. I'm drifting from Karen. feels like it. I don't want to hang with her tommorow. 'Cause we'd hang with Sammy/ Jupe/ Resa, and like I miss them and all but they'd be talking about shit I don't know about. & everythings all weird. 'Cause i feel like I don't belong anywhere. & it's not like anybody'll understand. Because I'm at UHS and I don't belong there either because like, I've been in a catholic school all my life. I haven't grown up with those kids. & the friends I actually want to spend my years with are like, in another school. Forgetting about me. & I don't know. it's quite lonely. That's why i love hanging out with Abby & Tina, because with them, it feels like it doesn't matter. but with other people it feels like it does. Like everything is just going on, and I'm just on the outside looking in. & I don't belong, anywhere. I feel like I'm lost. Everywhere. Cept with Abbz and Tina. They're the only ones I belong with. I don't even know with Majano. Because he's moving on too. & he's with them. And I don't know. Left out. I don't know. I mean, its not like I want to be part of the crowd so desperately but like. idk. im just out of everything. its like i dont belong anywhere.


P.S. I just fell on my ass and like cut my ankle. wtf is wrong with me. my laptop landed in this weird position. what a fail.

sometimes i get emotional.

i'm feeling a little more lonely, melacholic, and nostalgic lately. =/

Infatuation.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eb2eSZ2x5aE

so, this song was on my friend's facebook & it's got me thinking. how do we know when it's not infatuation. "you just know." I'm sure you do, but what if you were in love but you didn't believe it? like, you thought it was infatuation? what distincts one thing from another. "real love is more than butterflies in your stomach." so then that's deep like, right? but then, how do you know.

"we're looking for love but we're not sure what to find." & that's true. because how do you know what you're looking for. it's like going on a neverending circle, looking for whatever it is called love. & i'm just wondering how do you know when it's love because i've always wondered that with majano. I say i'm in love with him, i tell him i'm in love with him, but i seriously think it's only infatuation. but is it? or is it just because i don't want myself to be in love ? i'm not sure. because, i'm looking for love but then i'm not. so, tell me, when do you know?

is there just a feeling that goes, "yes, he/she's the one." or maybe it's a fleeting moment and you just plummet downwards without knowing it. & how does one, fall out of love. does that mean they weren't in love in the first place? because how do you stop loving the person you love ? and sometimes, i just wish i had a map to the human soul because too many things in this world contradict each other, confusing so many people in the process.

how does one know when they've fallen? it's a simple question. i just need a simple answer besides the usual, "You'll know." because if you have doubts, is it because you're insecure about it? or is it because it's not really love? And i'm just so confused. hm.

brokenhearts.

me and majano fought last night. & i told him to die. & fuck himself. because, he was well. prodding with a wound that shouldn't be touched. & damn, i was so frustrated with him because he was so mad cause we couldn't chill. i guess it was 'cause we were supposed to fuck, or maybe it was cause i was hanging out with my cousins instead of him but whatever. then he was saying i was bitching about not seeing them. i hate the fact that he acts like all the shit that i tell him is what it is. i mean, it has a certain depth to it. he doesn't fucking get the whole jist of how fucked up my family is. how they look at me like i'm so fucking insignificantly small in the world. he doesn't get that i'm trying so hard not to be a burden and shit to my mom even though i'm completely useless. telling me that "I'm so fucking sorry i don't wait till my mom gets home to bring me food." "Now I'm beginning to understand why your dad yells at you." well, that's why i told him to fuck off. because idc anymore.

you can fucking yell at me, call me a bitch, resent me for shit until the world ends. you can fucking leave. do all that shit just like he did. i don't fucking care anymore. so don't start shit like you know a single thing about me. 'cause you don't.

I already know what a fuck I am, you don't need to tell me again.

birthdaywishes.

so. birthday didn't suck after all. it did a smidge. got an itouch from my dad. was pretty stubborn and didn't say thanks. until like 12. & yeahs, that's it. so, i also got stabbed in the finger with a fork because majano talks to much sometimes and doesn't pay attention to what he's doing. -sigh- this kid. anyways, he made it a pretty good birthday. so - yeahs. that's it.

"Man, I hope our kid looks like you." lols.

ever been alone in a crowded room.

I hate my period. It gives me the most emotional mood swings. But whatever. Anyways. I'm scared to go back to school. I mean, it's not like I care about the people in UHS. 'cause I really don't. They've got they're own friends, I've got mine. but tell me why I feel like when we go back to school he's gonna find someone else. someone better. tell me why i'm thinking about that. 'cause everytime i think about that, it kind of throws my whole day off. I'm serious though. I wrote it on a note on my phone. Something like finding someone who liked scary movies as much as he did, & loves the thrill of roller coasters so they can ride them together. Or maybe someone whose prettier and who can hang out with him when he wants him to. Or maybe someone whose as busy as him and doesn't get mad at him when he doesn't call or te'ecks't her. I don't know. Someone who doesn't make his life "harder" like he said that I do. And I don't know. Break up ? Stay ? We're not talking. We didn't talk today. & I kept looking at people's pictures. & I'm still scared for the new school year. Hm... I don't know. I'm so depressed just thinking about it. & Damn, no lie. I've had like a ton of dreams of him or me cheating. & it's so fucked up. I mean I'm so fucked up. So complicated. & i think that's why he'll find someone better. ...

So.. my birthday's coming up. & it's sucking. the usual. me and majano aren't talking. karen's going to the sportsfest. ahhhhh. i feel like i've been dropped off the face of the earth. shit. i don't even know what I'm going to do. I'll probably just let my mom cook and just roller blade when night comes. fucking erase myself from life for a couple moments. i mean, i wanted tons of things this year. but it's like. small things. things you can't buy. like. things to do. sentimental things. & fuck. ben's talking to me right now. & he's annoying me for some reason. why is everyone so god damn happy, lately. i'm so out of it, man. i feel like the day that everyone was talking shit about me at lunch cause i can't learn to shutup. that week i wanted my period so bad. but whatever, you know. i'm fucking over it. it's just the feeling keeps coming back. the feeling of being so fucking alone . & shit i want to be alone.

shitload of ish i wanted to do this summer that i didn't. ultimate hide & seek game. sleep overs. si'cks' flags, all day. shit like that. another wasted summer. another wasted day.

ventventvent.

fkc!it.

J: Mm. You give up too easily. Goodnight.
A: Are you seriously kidding me? Whatever. I don't care anymore. Just do me a favor, don't talk to me anymore. kay? kay. thanks a shitload "babes". bye.

i don't know why i said that. maybe it's cause i'm emotional cause of my period. I don't know. & what made matters worse is that I keep saying fuck cause i'm so god damn frustrated and my mom said I'm not going to be blessed if I keep acting like this. & i'm fucking tired. blahblahblah. I don't need to go to the fucking aquarium. he wants to go to the aquarium. so i'm coming with. and he doesn't even get what i fucking said to him. he doesn't get that i just want him to rollerblade with me at like 11 at night in the parkinglot across my street. he doesn't fucking get that i'd rather have a fucking surprise party that I never had or some fucking hide and seek game. he doesn't know me. he doesn't know me at all.

new york city at 2 A.M.

One thing I wish I could do was hop on a train in NYC and go anywhere. Sure, I'd take someone with me but I'm not sure on that part. Majano wouldn't be up for it. I'd have to tell him straight up, "I want to go to NYC and ride the train." In order for him to know what I'm thinking. I wish he could just figure out shit for himself. Oblivious to the Obvious. Anyways, Ben also said he wanted to go. He's okay, but he's been getting on my nerves lately. Typical, filipino. Talk - Talk - Talk. About petty little problems.

"I FREAKING MISS YOU. I HATE MY BOYFRIEND. I HATE MY BORING LIFE WHERE EVERYONE IS GOING EVERYWHERE & I'M NOT. & I MISS SCREAMING ON AIM WITH YOU TO VENT MY HEART OUT. AND I'M THINKING OF MISSING YOU AND VENTING AND BAD s**t THAT HAS BEEN GOING ON. & I AM TEARING. i fail miserably. =/ & i don't want to talk about it anymore. or think about it anymore. but it keeps coming back. & i dont want to talk about it anymore. so I'm just going to cry to you. D: <3 . crycrycry. cry until i run out of tears. & then i'll be fine again. so. I love youuuuuu . =D"

that's what i wrote to karen on gaia. because i was legit crying before just thinking of how messed up I am. hurting someone, cause they hurt me? how fucked up can one person be? indecisiveness, stubborness, lazyness. i'm all rolled into one. I wish I was going somewhere in life.

Empty, Empty. Empty Text messages. Worthless words. 12:44, i still wish you would have texted me. I don't like depending on you. I also hate the fact that i let you read my myspace blogs about you and you still don't understand me. if you read any of my writing, shit i'm opening up to you. no masks to hide behind, i promise. these words are all raw, realistic. my fingers pressing against the keys at 12:46 in the morning whilst my sister and mom are in the other room sound asleep. I hate staying awake this late too cause i barely get enough sleep & i hate the noises i hear. I wanna drown out the murmurs of people talking. of you talking. i want to murder my feelings of you. life would be so much easier. & those letters I write to you? I am dead up honest in them. & you just read them as words. And you don't even hear me when I talk. When it was our year anni. I told you how much it hurt to trust people because my dad kept leaving, coming back, leaving, coming back. & I was legit crying. But you dismissed it. Saying i was just using it as excuses.

These nights I cry myself to sleep. Ohs - I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I just love the feeling of my fingers tapping on the keyboard, just saying whatever I'm thinking. this blog wasn't meant to go all over the place. it's just alot on my mine at almost 1 in the morning.

my blogs are mad emotional, but if you were to read my journal. damn. Every. Single. Thing. I went through from last year. From my dad leaving in October, to his family, the only family i've ever known turning they're backs and laughing at us. Oh, those cold winter days I'd walk to the bus stop. Those days when people would think i was just tired. My cousin cried when she read it. Hm.

I don't want to sleep yet. 'Cause then I'd have to wake up, knowing I told majano I didn't want to hang out with him. today, technically. & i'm going to regret it.

I'm quiet most of the time 'cause i don't feel the need to talk to people. I mean I'm friendly and all but it's whatever. I don't need you to talk to me. Or someone to be with on the first day of school. It'd be nice, but no issues. I mean, it is what it is. Trust issues, like damn. Shit I wanna run. Shit I want saturday to come already. I don't want to think about him. I don't want to stare at my phone.

fuuuck, i'm tired. my neck hurts. blahblahblah. to die by your side is such a heavenly way to die.

i hate your affect on me. i hate that you usually ask for sex. i hate that you call me a tease like i do it on purpose. i hate that you get distracted so easily then get mad at me for poking you cause i wanna talk. i hate that you have distractions. i hate that you don't notice the small things about me unless i tell you. i hate hearing these random noises. i hate sleeping late. i hate thunderstorms. i hate emotions. i hate rollercoasters. i hate backstabbers. i hate mind-fuckers. i hate liars. i hate cheaters. i hate fakes. i hate when i trip on the sidewalk. i hate falling backwards. i hate falling. i hate people who depend on others all the time. i hate people who talk too much. i hate people who don't think silence is golden. i hate breakdowns. i hate crying at night. i hate people who wake me up. i hate my dad. i hate my dad's parents. i hate my dad's girlfriend. i hate my dad. i hate my dad. i hate my dad. i hate my dad. i hate my dad. i hate my dad. i hate my dad. i hate my dad. i hate my dad. i hate my dad. i hate him for giving me trust issues. i hate him for leaving us. i hate him for coming back and acting like everything was okay. i hate the fact that he always said he loved us when he left after he came back the second time. i hate that he got married and didn't tell us. i hate that he thinks we still like him. i hate that i can't yell at him. i hate that i'm nice to him. i hate that i can't walk away from him. i hate crying when i look at that one good picture i have with him when i was a little kid. i hate that i can't trust majano not to cheat on me because of you. i hate that i'm giving less then 50% in my relationship because of him. i hate that he appears in my dreams. i hate his voice. i hate that he still affects me. i hate that when i think of him, i cry. just like when i think of majano.

confession # 102934855

of things i miss.

When I was a little kid, we used to go everywhere. Road trips every weekend, with my family. & if we didn't go out, I remember we'd used to sit on our lawn - me and my cousins. & we'd eat popsicles. Oh, and this one time. We had this huge waterfight and the parents kept getting mad at us. & Back in 05? I'm not sure, but i'm pretty sure it was the summer of my 6th grade year. We used to play soccer at the park every day. But the parents had to work, so we stayed at my cousin, Tori's house all day. & we'd get dropped off in the morning. Like 7 A.M. So during the afternoon while we were watching music videos we'd all fall asleep. & the room with the TV only had two couches. & there were 8 of us. So we'd nap on the floor 'cause it was carpet. & it was just the most comforting thing in the world. And I miss in 8th grade this kid and me had this thing going on. & it was just. I don't even know. something. He used to make fun of me all the time. & i remember that I held his hand once to prove to my friend that people who hold hands don't have to be going out. & he grabbed my hand again. & ha, that was like. Aw moment. Oh, i miss last year at Union Catholic where I'd be hyper with my honors crew. & even though I was really quiet I made friends. 'Cause people weren't really that closed off as they are in UHS. & running through the halls with my friends, doing all this fun stuff. & I miss eating those candy necklaces. Aha, they weren't like the greatest candy on earth but it reminded me of when i was a kid and those summer days.

of things aspirations & things i wish i'd get.

a letter. a postcard. post it notes all over the house. jewelry from a thrift store. a polaroid. those photo booth pictures. a mini trophy from chuckee cheese. staying on a train in new york stopping anywhere. one way tickets. concert tickets. to go to a concert. free shows. have an adventure. things that remind people of me. lillies. completely white lillies. learn how to rollerblade. make a movie. scrapbook. collages<3. heart and soul. along with mixtapes. roller blading in the parkinglot on one of these summer nights. dancing in the rain.

of things i'd like to tell you.

all of this.

taken& a thing called "love."

you fucking annoy me. everytime i blog it's about you. i hate relationships. they're annoying. i hate forgive and forget. or opening-up. how about i just not feel anymore, like i said before. that would be so much easier. you fucking irritate me with the affect you have on me. i don't want to be depending on you to be there to text me or call me. i don't want to fucking have those restless nights staying up, staring at my phone. i don't like that. i'm not that kind of person. i'm independent. i want to keep myself busy, like you do all the time. fucking feeling like this stupid shitty fucking person. i almost, almost had the chance to fucking run from this but i couldn't. you're so god damn addicting.

i hate you. fucking busy all the time. i hate you cause you at least have distractions. i have nothing. i'm stuck at home wallowing in my misery with my pathetic self staring at my phone. fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. & i was afraid of hurting you? shittttttttttttttttt, stop hurting me. stop leaving me crying most nights. fucking stop with your god damn affect already. i can't deal with it! i can't deal with all these emotions, teen angst, anger, piled into one. it's fucking annoying. i don't want to deal with this anymore. shittttttttttttttttttt, just fucking... stop hurting me already & i won't keep my guard up anymore. if it was that simple. you've fucking taken me. taken my heart.

more like stolen. I didn't expect it. if i expected it maybe i'd be like, "Oh! he's so cute. I love him soo much." bullshit. no, i'm not like that. i demand you to give it back this instant and stop stepping on it. geezus.


i hate boys.

i hate relationships.

i hate this thing called "love".

rummaging for answers.

i'm so god damn indecisive, it irritates me so. these fucking mood swings are getting to me. i'm up, i'm down. what the fuck is life throwing at me. i'm tired of it. i'm tired of dodging all this senseless shit. avoiding all these confrontations. i'm a fuck up. not even lying, or saying it just to say it. i'm a fuck up. i contradict myself. i care, but i don't. i dream, but i'm a realist. i'm quiet, but i want to meet new people. what is wrong with me? honestly, all this teen angst just bugs me. i'm tired. i'm tired of staring at my phone. i'm tired of looking at pictures like i could change something. i'm tired of feeling so god damn empty. i'm selfish. all i want is more, more, and more. i've got my mom, my sister, my friends, my "boyfriend". & still, i feel as though there's something missing. why?

i don't know. i don't know anymore.

so i'm running. i'm running for now. i fucking give up. i'll still wake up everyday, still act the same, but i'll be waiting. waiting for that missing part to show up.

just. another. runaway.

& the silver lining appeared.

"Leave. Come Back. Leave.

What in the world do we believe? What can we believe?

I don't know. I just don't know anymore. What to think? What to think. Things won't go back to normal. As in will not. Okay? Deal. Deal with it.

Don't. Don't believe him again. & so what if he's your father, you cared less before, nothing's going to change that, is it? Nope. Got that right. You are not, I repeat not going through that a freaking third time. Okay? Okay.

Don't. Don't call him. Don't wait for him. Don't think that he's going to come back next week. Why ? Because he's not. Just deal, okay? It's not like you've never been through this before. Plus, you are not alone.

Okay, so here's the deal. I don't know anymore. What to think. What to think.

Nothing, absolutely nothing. Right? Wrong. He took the shatter pieces of your family on the floor and just slammed them on the floor once again. Don't. Just Don't.

Not again.

What to freaking think. What to freaking think. Is he coming back? No. Is he going to help? No. Can I? Can I just yell at you for a moment? Just a mere moment. So that you can get it through you're thick headed self absorbed skull.

Stop. Stop coming back. We don't want you back. We miss the good times we had, but you coming back is near impossible. You know that. I know that. Hell, everyone knows it. So please, do us the favor and don't. & How many times do I have to say that? Sometimes, enough just isn't enough for you. Am I right? Am I then wrong? I've been wrong so many times this year that I have no idea what to think of you anymore. You can't just stand here, okay? Don't just stand here and act like nothing's happened. Why in the world do you think we won't keep eye contact.

I'll cry again.

Do you know that? Do you?

So how many times. How many times have you seen all of us cry over you? And yet, you keep coming back? Please, don't think it's an obligation. You lost that responsibility when you left in October. & Sometimes, people move on. & sometimes, it's really hard to move on. You coming back does not help the situation, what-so-ever.

What are we, some rebound for when your girl dumps you? Can you really do that to your family? I just don't know.

Over a million words unspoken, and here you are. Sitting. Talking. Laughing. Like it's nothing in the world. Thanks but no thanks.

But sometimes, I wish I had my dad back. But that's not going to happen is it? Nope. So deal. Deal with it.

Leave. Come Back. Leave. Come back.

Hey, before you leave though. Answer one question. That is, if you can.

Why?

By the way, I see you keep going to get water. Keep drinking. Keep avoiding eye contact. Like it's some one big awkward situation.

Ha.

with your own daughters.

Your old family.

Well go figure, Dad. We lost you in a matter of months. & You broke us in a matter of seconds, just as fast as a speeding bullet. & yet. You keep coming back. Just leave, would you? Don't come back.

& that is the hardest decision I've made in my lifetime.

Not wanting my dad in my life anymore.

Leave Come Back. Leave. Come Back. Leave.

This time. Please don't come back. We're broken enough.

Thank but no thanks. Just deal. Deal with it. Don't fret. I made the right decision, didn't I?

I hope so.

deal, just deal with it. things are going to come out fine. they usually do, don't they?

What to think, what to freakin' think. "

So, I was going through my book/external harddrive & I came across this. This thing I wrote about a year ago. I think that would be the write time. So this was obviously about my dad leaving and coming back. He was great at mind games. & after reading that I realized that all this shit, that I experience? Yeah, it helps me to write well... the greatest stuff I've ever written. It's like raw, so realistic. & that's the good thing about it. You know? And I don't know. It just made me realize the silver lining, I guess.

lovelovelove. Oh, how I miss thee.

sparks, butterflies, and fireworks.

"I hate it when a relationship starts losing its meaning. Words are carelessly thrown around, either being used too early or too often. Actions just lead & become all about sex. What makes a relationship special anymore? There is no more waiting; the mystery & simplicity of it all seem to have just disappeared."

i like small font. anyways, just got a blogspot cause i've been having the urge to blog lately. anyways, somethings been bothering me all day. & i just vented to caresse which made me feel better but it's still bothering me 'cause in all honesty - i'm fucked up. i'm just this whole mess of a person. 'cause I miss the beginning of the relationship. i miss when I'd anticipate seeing him at school in the morning. and i miss the flip flop i'd get when he hugged me from behind. i mean, i was watching cruel intentions today & it made me miss the chase. running and chasing. 'cause in all honesty i'm a runaway. i'm the best runner you can ever think of. i can avoid you & you'd never find me. but the truth is.. i want someone to find me. i want that chuck and blair thing, you know? i want to run from you and you chase me or vise versa. i want to be apart like, foreal like break up or some shit & me thinking about you all the time & vise versa would like give me a sign that maybe all this is real. maybe its not just something that passes & goes away. & i want that sign so bad.

& seriously i want to run. i'm so god damned selfish - cause i still want to run. even though i know god damn well it's hurting him. even though i know god damn well how good he is to me & shit i can trust him not to hurt me. but agh, just my mom and dad's relationship fucked me up even more than i was. & like i trusted my dad not to leave. & fuck, he did for someone else. so how can i know that majano won't ? & man, i'm feel so bad 'cause like it's like i'm crushing his dreams, y'know ? & it's like i'm messing someone up just like someone messed me up. & no one should be this messed up. agh, & that's another reason i want to run away. i'm not good for him. i can't stop myself from being selfish. i can't do whatever he wants.

but whenever i try to run, i always stop. 'cause i don't want to run. 'cause i want to be with him. 'cause it seems like he's actually in love with me. & it sucks cause i just continue hurting him. man, i'm tired. i don't want to depend on him. i really don't. i don't want to expect him to be there all the time. or chase me when i run. i dont want to hope. i dont want to be let down. aghhh..


i just want those innocent... butterflies back. when i didn't have so much to lose.