So. I don't know whats wrong with me. I love that we got our new puppy, Joel/MichaelAngelo/Leo/Theodore/Pongo. [We haven't decided on a name]. & I'm super happy, because he's our baby. And we have to watch him all the time. & it distracts me from school, missing majano, shit like that. & Last night, I questioned myself why I was being such a bitch to him lately. & I concluded its cause, well. If he does end up leaving me, or whatever for someone else, I figured it'd be because I was a bitch to him, y'know? At least in my mind I'd convince myself that he left me 'cause I was being a bitch. I'm just preparing myself for the worst. Or whats going to happen. I don't know anymore! I'm going everywhere in circles, octogons, squares, all kinds of neverending shapes. I'm so god damn lost with him. I don't know anymore! I want to be with him, I don't want to be with him. I'm fucking scared shitless of what he does to me. I'm not used to being completely vulnerable. I don't care if I'm using my dad as an e'ecks'cuse or whatever, but its the truth. I'm lost because of him. I'm fucking scared because of him. I want this whole thing between me and majano to be over then I dont because of him. I'm so fucking lost. Like I feel like I don't belong anywhere e'ecks'cept with abbz/tina/caresse/kat. cause its alright with caresse and kat. And abbz and tina are my best friends. They get me in ways people don't. Abby gives me advice and lets me talk to her till 1 in the morning even if shes sleepy. Tina cries when she reads all my writing because she understand all this shit I go through. & fuck they're my best friends. & I wish I could just be with them because it'd be fine with them. & I don't feel lost, I feel found. And when that feelings gone, I feel like I'm the only person in the world. Like no one can see me. & fuck, you don't understand how much I hate this empty feeling.
y'know, I prayed every single night for the past like, month? I pray for the same things every night. For God to keep Abby and Mommy safe. For Him to keep Tito Louie and Joel/Puppy safe. For him to maybe save my dad from whatever is wrong with him. And to keep Tina safe.
And the last words I pray are, "& God? Can you please find me? Like how Jesus left the herd of sheep when that one strayed away. I was wondering if you can find me. Because I've been lost and my hearts been hurting. So please, please, just find me."
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