One thing I wish I could do was hop on a train in NYC and go anywhere. Sure, I'd take someone with me but I'm not sure on that part. Majano wouldn't be up for it. I'd have to tell him straight up, "I want to go to NYC and ride the train." In order for him to know what I'm thinking. I wish he could just figure out shit for himself. Oblivious to the Obvious. Anyways, Ben also said he wanted to go. He's okay, but he's been getting on my nerves lately. Typical, filipino. Talk - Talk - Talk. About petty little problems.
"I FREAKING MISS YOU. I HATE MY BOYFRIEND. I HATE MY BORING LIFE WHERE EVERYONE IS GOING EVERYWHERE & I'M NOT. & I MISS SCREAMING ON AIM WITH YOU TO VENT MY HEART OUT. AND I'M THINKING OF MISSING YOU AND VENTING AND BAD s**t THAT HAS BEEN GOING ON. & I AM TEARING. i fail miserably. =/ & i don't want to talk about it anymore. or think about it anymore. but it keeps coming back. & i dont want to talk about it anymore. so I'm just going to cry to you. D: <3 . crycrycry. cry until i run out of tears. & then i'll be fine again. so. I love youuuuuu . =D"
that's what i wrote to karen on gaia. because i was legit crying before just thinking of how messed up I am. hurting someone, cause they hurt me? how fucked up can one person be? indecisiveness, stubborness, lazyness. i'm all rolled into one. I wish I was going somewhere in life.
Empty, Empty. Empty Text messages. Worthless words. 12:44, i still wish you would have texted me. I don't like depending on you. I also hate the fact that i let you read my myspace blogs about you and you still don't understand me. if you read any of my writing, shit i'm opening up to you. no masks to hide behind, i promise. these words are all raw, realistic. my fingers pressing against the keys at 12:46 in the morning whilst my sister and mom are in the other room sound asleep. I hate staying awake this late too cause i barely get enough sleep & i hate the noises i hear. I wanna drown out the murmurs of people talking. of you talking. i want to murder my feelings of you. life would be so much easier. & those letters I write to you? I am dead up honest in them. & you just read them as words. And you don't even hear me when I talk. When it was our year anni. I told you how much it hurt to trust people because my dad kept leaving, coming back, leaving, coming back. & I was legit crying. But you dismissed it. Saying i was just using it as excuses.
These nights I cry myself to sleep. Ohs - I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I just love the feeling of my fingers tapping on the keyboard, just saying whatever I'm thinking. this blog wasn't meant to go all over the place. it's just alot on my mine at almost 1 in the morning.
my blogs are mad emotional, but if you were to read my journal. damn. Every. Single. Thing. I went through from last year. From my dad leaving in October, to his family, the only family i've ever known turning they're backs and laughing at us. Oh, those cold winter days I'd walk to the bus stop. Those days when people would think i was just tired. My cousin cried when she read it. Hm.
I don't want to sleep yet. 'Cause then I'd have to wake up, knowing I told majano I didn't want to hang out with him. today, technically. & i'm going to regret it.
I'm quiet most of the time 'cause i don't feel the need to talk to people. I mean I'm friendly and all but it's whatever. I don't need you to talk to me. Or someone to be with on the first day of school. It'd be nice, but no issues. I mean, it is what it is. Trust issues, like damn. Shit I wanna run. Shit I want saturday to come already. I don't want to think about him. I don't want to stare at my phone.
fuuuck, i'm tired. my neck hurts. blahblahblah. to die by your side is such a heavenly way to die.
i hate your affect on me. i hate that you usually ask for sex. i hate that you call me a tease like i do it on purpose. i hate that you get distracted so easily then get mad at me for poking you cause i wanna talk. i hate that you have distractions. i hate that you don't notice the small things about me unless i tell you. i hate hearing these random noises. i hate sleeping late. i hate thunderstorms. i hate emotions. i hate rollercoasters. i hate backstabbers. i hate mind-fuckers. i hate liars. i hate cheaters. i hate fakes. i hate when i trip on the sidewalk. i hate falling backwards. i hate falling. i hate people who depend on others all the time. i hate people who talk too much. i hate people who don't think silence is golden. i hate breakdowns. i hate crying at night. i hate people who wake me up. i hate my dad. i hate my dad's parents. i hate my dad's girlfriend. i hate my dad. i hate my dad. i hate my dad. i hate my dad. i hate my dad. i hate my dad. i hate my dad. i hate my dad. i hate my dad. i hate my dad. i hate him for giving me trust issues. i hate him for leaving us. i hate him for coming back and acting like everything was okay. i hate the fact that he always said he loved us when he left after he came back the second time. i hate that he got married and didn't tell us. i hate that he thinks we still like him. i hate that i can't yell at him. i hate that i'm nice to him. i hate that i can't walk away from him. i hate crying when i look at that one good picture i have with him when i was a little kid. i hate that i can't trust majano not to cheat on me because of you. i hate that i'm giving less then 50% in my relationship because of him. i hate that he appears in my dreams. i hate his voice. i hate that he still affects me. i hate that when i think of him, i cry. just like when i think of majano.
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