& the silver lining appeared.

"Leave. Come Back. Leave.

What in the world do we believe? What can we believe?

I don't know. I just don't know anymore. What to think? What to think. Things won't go back to normal. As in will not. Okay? Deal. Deal with it.

Don't. Don't believe him again. & so what if he's your father, you cared less before, nothing's going to change that, is it? Nope. Got that right. You are not, I repeat not going through that a freaking third time. Okay? Okay.

Don't. Don't call him. Don't wait for him. Don't think that he's going to come back next week. Why ? Because he's not. Just deal, okay? It's not like you've never been through this before. Plus, you are not alone.

Okay, so here's the deal. I don't know anymore. What to think. What to think.

Nothing, absolutely nothing. Right? Wrong. He took the shatter pieces of your family on the floor and just slammed them on the floor once again. Don't. Just Don't.

Not again.

What to freaking think. What to freaking think. Is he coming back? No. Is he going to help? No. Can I? Can I just yell at you for a moment? Just a mere moment. So that you can get it through you're thick headed self absorbed skull.

Stop. Stop coming back. We don't want you back. We miss the good times we had, but you coming back is near impossible. You know that. I know that. Hell, everyone knows it. So please, do us the favor and don't. & How many times do I have to say that? Sometimes, enough just isn't enough for you. Am I right? Am I then wrong? I've been wrong so many times this year that I have no idea what to think of you anymore. You can't just stand here, okay? Don't just stand here and act like nothing's happened. Why in the world do you think we won't keep eye contact.

I'll cry again.

Do you know that? Do you?

So how many times. How many times have you seen all of us cry over you? And yet, you keep coming back? Please, don't think it's an obligation. You lost that responsibility when you left in October. & Sometimes, people move on. & sometimes, it's really hard to move on. You coming back does not help the situation, what-so-ever.

What are we, some rebound for when your girl dumps you? Can you really do that to your family? I just don't know.

Over a million words unspoken, and here you are. Sitting. Talking. Laughing. Like it's nothing in the world. Thanks but no thanks.

But sometimes, I wish I had my dad back. But that's not going to happen is it? Nope. So deal. Deal with it.

Leave. Come Back. Leave. Come back.

Hey, before you leave though. Answer one question. That is, if you can.

Why?

By the way, I see you keep going to get water. Keep drinking. Keep avoiding eye contact. Like it's some one big awkward situation.

Ha.

with your own daughters.

Your old family.

Well go figure, Dad. We lost you in a matter of months. & You broke us in a matter of seconds, just as fast as a speeding bullet. & yet. You keep coming back. Just leave, would you? Don't come back.

& that is the hardest decision I've made in my lifetime.

Not wanting my dad in my life anymore.

Leave Come Back. Leave. Come Back. Leave.

This time. Please don't come back. We're broken enough.

Thank but no thanks. Just deal. Deal with it. Don't fret. I made the right decision, didn't I?

I hope so.

deal, just deal with it. things are going to come out fine. they usually do, don't they?

What to think, what to freakin' think. "

So, I was going through my book/external harddrive & I came across this. This thing I wrote about a year ago. I think that would be the write time. So this was obviously about my dad leaving and coming back. He was great at mind games. & after reading that I realized that all this shit, that I experience? Yeah, it helps me to write well... the greatest stuff I've ever written. It's like raw, so realistic. & that's the good thing about it. You know? And I don't know. It just made me realize the silver lining, I guess.

lovelovelove. Oh, how I miss thee.