A Mess.

I haven't blogged in a while. It's cause I'm busy. But I was reading this shit & i realized how freaking deep & raw all this crap is. & I haven't written anything like that in a while. & i'm looking at pictures on dear_bright_young_love.'ecks'anga.com. & i love the pictures. & the quotes. Majano doesn't like the quotes. He says they suck. I can't see why. But whatever. I'm so freaking tired. One more day, one more day. That's all I'm hoping for, looking forward to. Sleeping till noon. I need a break. From life. So I'm up again at 10:22. Not sleeping yet 'cause I miss the feeling of the keyboard under my fingertips for all the right reasons. Not for some god damn Journalism Article, or for some bullshitted homework. I'm really tired of Junior year. But it's a crucial year, I heard. For college, and stuff. But I don't even know what I want to do in my life. All I've been sure of since the 6/7th grade was that I am going to change the world for the better. Not with a big bang. But with small stuff. Post it notes anonymously posted throughout the world saying, "You are loved." Maybe something like that. So if you see that, then that's going to be me alright. Oh, the joys of teen angst & e'cks'haustion. "Forever". I like the thought of the word, but I don't think it e'cks'sist. Me and Majano aren't going to last Forever. We just aren't. We woulnd't last a month in college. But y'know. I'm trying this thing where I live in the moment? Where I don't care about the future? But it hasn't been working out. I mean, I always find a way to think of the future. NYU, HCCC, College. Senior year. Pranks. I don't know. I want to pull a prank. Live in the moment. But like, I don't know. I just want to escape. Like majano said, "Get away from the same old same old."Just for a moment. Then I want to come back. But I don't think that makes sense does it? I don't know. I'm just a mess. A really big disaster. A contradiction. That's the only way I can describe myself. I read too much. Absorbed in these books, these stories, these quotes that dictate who I am. But nobody would really notice unless I'm all loud and outgoing. So what do i do? I don't know what the fuck I'm talkinga bout. I need to stop cursing. What's wrong with me. Why do I feel invisible sometimes? I don't know. Things are getting to my head. I don't want anything for christmas. Maybe a couple of books. Maybe a bookshelf. Maybe a key necklace. Or something sentimental. I dig sentimental shit. I really do. I always want people to notice the little things I do like using two packets of hot chocolate instead of one. Or putting garlic powder on my pizza. Or that my right eyebrow goes up in a bewildered e'cks'pression most of the time. Or that maybe I pick at my nails. & I don't look at the parts in movies when they start yelling or something. I don't know. I'm just a mess really. All this stuff is just spilled out 'cause I am so fkcing tired. Anyways, goodnight. I'll write again tommorow.



After a 2 hour nap. Or something.