ever been alone in a crowded room.

I hate my period. It gives me the most emotional mood swings. But whatever. Anyways. I'm scared to go back to school. I mean, it's not like I care about the people in UHS. 'cause I really don't. They've got they're own friends, I've got mine. but tell me why I feel like when we go back to school he's gonna find someone else. someone better. tell me why i'm thinking about that. 'cause everytime i think about that, it kind of throws my whole day off. I'm serious though. I wrote it on a note on my phone. Something like finding someone who liked scary movies as much as he did, & loves the thrill of roller coasters so they can ride them together. Or maybe someone whose prettier and who can hang out with him when he wants him to. Or maybe someone whose as busy as him and doesn't get mad at him when he doesn't call or te'ecks't her. I don't know. Someone who doesn't make his life "harder" like he said that I do. And I don't know. Break up ? Stay ? We're not talking. We didn't talk today. & I kept looking at people's pictures. & I'm still scared for the new school year. Hm... I don't know. I'm so depressed just thinking about it. & Damn, no lie. I've had like a ton of dreams of him or me cheating. & it's so fucked up. I mean I'm so fucked up. So complicated. & i think that's why he'll find someone better. ...

So.. my birthday's coming up. & it's sucking. the usual. me and majano aren't talking. karen's going to the sportsfest. ahhhhh. i feel like i've been dropped off the face of the earth. shit. i don't even know what I'm going to do. I'll probably just let my mom cook and just roller blade when night comes. fucking erase myself from life for a couple moments. i mean, i wanted tons of things this year. but it's like. small things. things you can't buy. like. things to do. sentimental things. & fuck. ben's talking to me right now. & he's annoying me for some reason. why is everyone so god damn happy, lately. i'm so out of it, man. i feel like the day that everyone was talking shit about me at lunch cause i can't learn to shutup. that week i wanted my period so bad. but whatever, you know. i'm fucking over it. it's just the feeling keeps coming back. the feeling of being so fucking alone . & shit i want to be alone.

shitload of ish i wanted to do this summer that i didn't. ultimate hide & seek game. sleep overs. si'cks' flags, all day. shit like that. another wasted summer. another wasted day.

ventventvent.

fkc!it.

J: Mm. You give up too easily. Goodnight.
A: Are you seriously kidding me? Whatever. I don't care anymore. Just do me a favor, don't talk to me anymore. kay? kay. thanks a shitload "babes". bye.

i don't know why i said that. maybe it's cause i'm emotional cause of my period. I don't know. & what made matters worse is that I keep saying fuck cause i'm so god damn frustrated and my mom said I'm not going to be blessed if I keep acting like this. & i'm fucking tired. blahblahblah. I don't need to go to the fucking aquarium. he wants to go to the aquarium. so i'm coming with. and he doesn't even get what i fucking said to him. he doesn't get that i just want him to rollerblade with me at like 11 at night in the parkinglot across my street. he doesn't fucking get that i'd rather have a fucking surprise party that I never had or some fucking hide and seek game. he doesn't know me. he doesn't know me at all.

new york city at 2 A.M.

One thing I wish I could do was hop on a train in NYC and go anywhere. Sure, I'd take someone with me but I'm not sure on that part. Majano wouldn't be up for it. I'd have to tell him straight up, "I want to go to NYC and ride the train." In order for him to know what I'm thinking. I wish he could just figure out shit for himself. Oblivious to the Obvious. Anyways, Ben also said he wanted to go. He's okay, but he's been getting on my nerves lately. Typical, filipino. Talk - Talk - Talk. About petty little problems.

"I FREAKING MISS YOU. I HATE MY BOYFRIEND. I HATE MY BORING LIFE WHERE EVERYONE IS GOING EVERYWHERE & I'M NOT. & I MISS SCREAMING ON AIM WITH YOU TO VENT MY HEART OUT. AND I'M THINKING OF MISSING YOU AND VENTING AND BAD s**t THAT HAS BEEN GOING ON. & I AM TEARING. i fail miserably. =/ & i don't want to talk about it anymore. or think about it anymore. but it keeps coming back. & i dont want to talk about it anymore. so I'm just going to cry to you. D: <3 . crycrycry. cry until i run out of tears. & then i'll be fine again. so. I love youuuuuu . =D"

that's what i wrote to karen on gaia. because i was legit crying before just thinking of how messed up I am. hurting someone, cause they hurt me? how fucked up can one person be? indecisiveness, stubborness, lazyness. i'm all rolled into one. I wish I was going somewhere in life.

Empty, Empty. Empty Text messages. Worthless words. 12:44, i still wish you would have texted me. I don't like depending on you. I also hate the fact that i let you read my myspace blogs about you and you still don't understand me. if you read any of my writing, shit i'm opening up to you. no masks to hide behind, i promise. these words are all raw, realistic. my fingers pressing against the keys at 12:46 in the morning whilst my sister and mom are in the other room sound asleep. I hate staying awake this late too cause i barely get enough sleep & i hate the noises i hear. I wanna drown out the murmurs of people talking. of you talking. i want to murder my feelings of you. life would be so much easier. & those letters I write to you? I am dead up honest in them. & you just read them as words. And you don't even hear me when I talk. When it was our year anni. I told you how much it hurt to trust people because my dad kept leaving, coming back, leaving, coming back. & I was legit crying. But you dismissed it. Saying i was just using it as excuses.

These nights I cry myself to sleep. Ohs - I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I just love the feeling of my fingers tapping on the keyboard, just saying whatever I'm thinking. this blog wasn't meant to go all over the place. it's just alot on my mine at almost 1 in the morning.

my blogs are mad emotional, but if you were to read my journal. damn. Every. Single. Thing. I went through from last year. From my dad leaving in October, to his family, the only family i've ever known turning they're backs and laughing at us. Oh, those cold winter days I'd walk to the bus stop. Those days when people would think i was just tired. My cousin cried when she read it. Hm.

I don't want to sleep yet. 'Cause then I'd have to wake up, knowing I told majano I didn't want to hang out with him. today, technically. & i'm going to regret it.

I'm quiet most of the time 'cause i don't feel the need to talk to people. I mean I'm friendly and all but it's whatever. I don't need you to talk to me. Or someone to be with on the first day of school. It'd be nice, but no issues. I mean, it is what it is. Trust issues, like damn. Shit I wanna run. Shit I want saturday to come already. I don't want to think about him. I don't want to stare at my phone.

fuuuck, i'm tired. my neck hurts. blahblahblah. to die by your side is such a heavenly way to die.

i hate your affect on me. i hate that you usually ask for sex. i hate that you call me a tease like i do it on purpose. i hate that you get distracted so easily then get mad at me for poking you cause i wanna talk. i hate that you have distractions. i hate that you don't notice the small things about me unless i tell you. i hate hearing these random noises. i hate sleeping late. i hate thunderstorms. i hate emotions. i hate rollercoasters. i hate backstabbers. i hate mind-fuckers. i hate liars. i hate cheaters. i hate fakes. i hate when i trip on the sidewalk. i hate falling backwards. i hate falling. i hate people who depend on others all the time. i hate people who talk too much. i hate people who don't think silence is golden. i hate breakdowns. i hate crying at night. i hate people who wake me up. i hate my dad. i hate my dad's parents. i hate my dad's girlfriend. i hate my dad. i hate my dad. i hate my dad. i hate my dad. i hate my dad. i hate my dad. i hate my dad. i hate my dad. i hate my dad. i hate my dad. i hate him for giving me trust issues. i hate him for leaving us. i hate him for coming back and acting like everything was okay. i hate the fact that he always said he loved us when he left after he came back the second time. i hate that he got married and didn't tell us. i hate that he thinks we still like him. i hate that i can't yell at him. i hate that i'm nice to him. i hate that i can't walk away from him. i hate crying when i look at that one good picture i have with him when i was a little kid. i hate that i can't trust majano not to cheat on me because of you. i hate that i'm giving less then 50% in my relationship because of him. i hate that he appears in my dreams. i hate his voice. i hate that he still affects me. i hate that when i think of him, i cry. just like when i think of majano.

confession # 102934855

of things i miss.

When I was a little kid, we used to go everywhere. Road trips every weekend, with my family. & if we didn't go out, I remember we'd used to sit on our lawn - me and my cousins. & we'd eat popsicles. Oh, and this one time. We had this huge waterfight and the parents kept getting mad at us. & Back in 05? I'm not sure, but i'm pretty sure it was the summer of my 6th grade year. We used to play soccer at the park every day. But the parents had to work, so we stayed at my cousin, Tori's house all day. & we'd get dropped off in the morning. Like 7 A.M. So during the afternoon while we were watching music videos we'd all fall asleep. & the room with the TV only had two couches. & there were 8 of us. So we'd nap on the floor 'cause it was carpet. & it was just the most comforting thing in the world. And I miss in 8th grade this kid and me had this thing going on. & it was just. I don't even know. something. He used to make fun of me all the time. & i remember that I held his hand once to prove to my friend that people who hold hands don't have to be going out. & he grabbed my hand again. & ha, that was like. Aw moment. Oh, i miss last year at Union Catholic where I'd be hyper with my honors crew. & even though I was really quiet I made friends. 'Cause people weren't really that closed off as they are in UHS. & running through the halls with my friends, doing all this fun stuff. & I miss eating those candy necklaces. Aha, they weren't like the greatest candy on earth but it reminded me of when i was a kid and those summer days.

of things aspirations & things i wish i'd get.

a letter. a postcard. post it notes all over the house. jewelry from a thrift store. a polaroid. those photo booth pictures. a mini trophy from chuckee cheese. staying on a train in new york stopping anywhere. one way tickets. concert tickets. to go to a concert. free shows. have an adventure. things that remind people of me. lillies. completely white lillies. learn how to rollerblade. make a movie. scrapbook. collages<3. heart and soul. along with mixtapes. roller blading in the parkinglot on one of these summer nights. dancing in the rain.

of things i'd like to tell you.

all of this.

taken& a thing called "love."

you fucking annoy me. everytime i blog it's about you. i hate relationships. they're annoying. i hate forgive and forget. or opening-up. how about i just not feel anymore, like i said before. that would be so much easier. you fucking irritate me with the affect you have on me. i don't want to be depending on you to be there to text me or call me. i don't want to fucking have those restless nights staying up, staring at my phone. i don't like that. i'm not that kind of person. i'm independent. i want to keep myself busy, like you do all the time. fucking feeling like this stupid shitty fucking person. i almost, almost had the chance to fucking run from this but i couldn't. you're so god damn addicting.

i hate you. fucking busy all the time. i hate you cause you at least have distractions. i have nothing. i'm stuck at home wallowing in my misery with my pathetic self staring at my phone. fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. & i was afraid of hurting you? shittttttttttttttttt, stop hurting me. stop leaving me crying most nights. fucking stop with your god damn affect already. i can't deal with it! i can't deal with all these emotions, teen angst, anger, piled into one. it's fucking annoying. i don't want to deal with this anymore. shittttttttttttttttttt, just fucking... stop hurting me already & i won't keep my guard up anymore. if it was that simple. you've fucking taken me. taken my heart.

more like stolen. I didn't expect it. if i expected it maybe i'd be like, "Oh! he's so cute. I love him soo much." bullshit. no, i'm not like that. i demand you to give it back this instant and stop stepping on it. geezus.


i hate boys.

i hate relationships.

i hate this thing called "love".

rummaging for answers.

i'm so god damn indecisive, it irritates me so. these fucking mood swings are getting to me. i'm up, i'm down. what the fuck is life throwing at me. i'm tired of it. i'm tired of dodging all this senseless shit. avoiding all these confrontations. i'm a fuck up. not even lying, or saying it just to say it. i'm a fuck up. i contradict myself. i care, but i don't. i dream, but i'm a realist. i'm quiet, but i want to meet new people. what is wrong with me? honestly, all this teen angst just bugs me. i'm tired. i'm tired of staring at my phone. i'm tired of looking at pictures like i could change something. i'm tired of feeling so god damn empty. i'm selfish. all i want is more, more, and more. i've got my mom, my sister, my friends, my "boyfriend". & still, i feel as though there's something missing. why?

i don't know. i don't know anymore.

so i'm running. i'm running for now. i fucking give up. i'll still wake up everyday, still act the same, but i'll be waiting. waiting for that missing part to show up.

just. another. runaway.

& the silver lining appeared.

"Leave. Come Back. Leave.

What in the world do we believe? What can we believe?

I don't know. I just don't know anymore. What to think? What to think. Things won't go back to normal. As in will not. Okay? Deal. Deal with it.

Don't. Don't believe him again. & so what if he's your father, you cared less before, nothing's going to change that, is it? Nope. Got that right. You are not, I repeat not going through that a freaking third time. Okay? Okay.

Don't. Don't call him. Don't wait for him. Don't think that he's going to come back next week. Why ? Because he's not. Just deal, okay? It's not like you've never been through this before. Plus, you are not alone.

Okay, so here's the deal. I don't know anymore. What to think. What to think.

Nothing, absolutely nothing. Right? Wrong. He took the shatter pieces of your family on the floor and just slammed them on the floor once again. Don't. Just Don't.

Not again.

What to freaking think. What to freaking think. Is he coming back? No. Is he going to help? No. Can I? Can I just yell at you for a moment? Just a mere moment. So that you can get it through you're thick headed self absorbed skull.

Stop. Stop coming back. We don't want you back. We miss the good times we had, but you coming back is near impossible. You know that. I know that. Hell, everyone knows it. So please, do us the favor and don't. & How many times do I have to say that? Sometimes, enough just isn't enough for you. Am I right? Am I then wrong? I've been wrong so many times this year that I have no idea what to think of you anymore. You can't just stand here, okay? Don't just stand here and act like nothing's happened. Why in the world do you think we won't keep eye contact.

I'll cry again.

Do you know that? Do you?

So how many times. How many times have you seen all of us cry over you? And yet, you keep coming back? Please, don't think it's an obligation. You lost that responsibility when you left in October. & Sometimes, people move on. & sometimes, it's really hard to move on. You coming back does not help the situation, what-so-ever.

What are we, some rebound for when your girl dumps you? Can you really do that to your family? I just don't know.

Over a million words unspoken, and here you are. Sitting. Talking. Laughing. Like it's nothing in the world. Thanks but no thanks.

But sometimes, I wish I had my dad back. But that's not going to happen is it? Nope. So deal. Deal with it.

Leave. Come Back. Leave. Come back.

Hey, before you leave though. Answer one question. That is, if you can.

Why?

By the way, I see you keep going to get water. Keep drinking. Keep avoiding eye contact. Like it's some one big awkward situation.

Ha.

with your own daughters.

Your old family.

Well go figure, Dad. We lost you in a matter of months. & You broke us in a matter of seconds, just as fast as a speeding bullet. & yet. You keep coming back. Just leave, would you? Don't come back.

& that is the hardest decision I've made in my lifetime.

Not wanting my dad in my life anymore.

Leave Come Back. Leave. Come Back. Leave.

This time. Please don't come back. We're broken enough.

Thank but no thanks. Just deal. Deal with it. Don't fret. I made the right decision, didn't I?

I hope so.

deal, just deal with it. things are going to come out fine. they usually do, don't they?

What to think, what to freakin' think. "

So, I was going through my book/external harddrive & I came across this. This thing I wrote about a year ago. I think that would be the write time. So this was obviously about my dad leaving and coming back. He was great at mind games. & after reading that I realized that all this shit, that I experience? Yeah, it helps me to write well... the greatest stuff I've ever written. It's like raw, so realistic. & that's the good thing about it. You know? And I don't know. It just made me realize the silver lining, I guess.

lovelovelove. Oh, how I miss thee.

sparks, butterflies, and fireworks.

"I hate it when a relationship starts losing its meaning. Words are carelessly thrown around, either being used too early or too often. Actions just lead & become all about sex. What makes a relationship special anymore? There is no more waiting; the mystery & simplicity of it all seem to have just disappeared."

i like small font. anyways, just got a blogspot cause i've been having the urge to blog lately. anyways, somethings been bothering me all day. & i just vented to caresse which made me feel better but it's still bothering me 'cause in all honesty - i'm fucked up. i'm just this whole mess of a person. 'cause I miss the beginning of the relationship. i miss when I'd anticipate seeing him at school in the morning. and i miss the flip flop i'd get when he hugged me from behind. i mean, i was watching cruel intentions today & it made me miss the chase. running and chasing. 'cause in all honesty i'm a runaway. i'm the best runner you can ever think of. i can avoid you & you'd never find me. but the truth is.. i want someone to find me. i want that chuck and blair thing, you know? i want to run from you and you chase me or vise versa. i want to be apart like, foreal like break up or some shit & me thinking about you all the time & vise versa would like give me a sign that maybe all this is real. maybe its not just something that passes & goes away. & i want that sign so bad.

& seriously i want to run. i'm so god damned selfish - cause i still want to run. even though i know god damn well it's hurting him. even though i know god damn well how good he is to me & shit i can trust him not to hurt me. but agh, just my mom and dad's relationship fucked me up even more than i was. & like i trusted my dad not to leave. & fuck, he did for someone else. so how can i know that majano won't ? & man, i'm feel so bad 'cause like it's like i'm crushing his dreams, y'know ? & it's like i'm messing someone up just like someone messed me up. & no one should be this messed up. agh, & that's another reason i want to run away. i'm not good for him. i can't stop myself from being selfish. i can't do whatever he wants.

but whenever i try to run, i always stop. 'cause i don't want to run. 'cause i want to be with him. 'cause it seems like he's actually in love with me. & it sucks cause i just continue hurting him. man, i'm tired. i don't want to depend on him. i really don't. i don't want to expect him to be there all the time. or chase me when i run. i dont want to hope. i dont want to be let down. aghhh..


i just want those innocent... butterflies back. when i didn't have so much to lose.