Confessions.

confessions.
1. i like the gift majano gave me for christmas. i like how he knew i would like it. ( a snowglobe with out pictures)
2. every single time i hear the last couple lines of phantom of the opera where she kisses him and says, "You are not alone." & when he says, "Christine I love you." I still cry.
3. eternal sunshine of the spotless mind makes me cry when it goes, "At least make up a goodbye." and he goes, "I love you, clem." when she says, "Bye Joely." & it's making me tear now just thinking about it.
4. whenever I feel like crying I just watch these movies so that I have the excuse to bawl my eyes out.
5. Christmas didn't feel like christmas, but I'm thankful for the break. I'm dead tired of school and such.
6. Abby got me a classic winnie the pooh for christmas, it's a adorable.
7. I hate the fact that my dad always has to keep himself in the picture somehow.
8. I still get sad when I see his face. All I'm thinking is, "Why did it have to come to this?" this whole I hate you even if your my own father thing. & I remember the times he used to be there for us. & God, it still breaks my heart.
9. I'm fucked up. I don't know what I want, I don't know who I want to be. I don't know. That's like my motto, and I hate it.
10. God, I am so sleepy.
11. I want to scream "Penis!" out loud and say that I have torrets in public like they did in 500 days of summer.
12. I'm so tired right now.
13. I want to roleplay on gaia, just so I can get into the knack of writing again.
14. I don't like journalism anymore, maybe it's cause I'm lazy.
15. Me and majano have been way too busy for each other. His swim, me school. & whenever we see each other it's only for a short period of time. 3 hours. Which is short. trust me. To get all this whole physical stuff out of the way considering we haven't seen each other in like 3 weeks, usually. that usually takes 3 hours. & then we can talk. And i love that part. When we talk.
16. I think I think too much about majano.
17. I badmouth him all the time when I talk about him to people I don't know. I don't really know why. I called him a jackass in front of my friend Deanna. & she was like, "Why?" & I was just like cause he's selfish, spoiled, hardheaded, narrowminded. Yaddayaddayadda. But i love him anyway.
18. God, I hate that word. Love.
19. With a passion.
20. I dream about other guys sometimes.
21. But it's only cause me and majano are drifting? That's no excuse. I won't go kissing anybody else trust me.
22. God, I hate this whole shit.
23. I like victoria's secret perfume angel's desire. it smells great.
24. I don't want to sleep yet.
25. I'm getting fat.
26. I want to do something worthwhile but it all comes back to me. Cause I'm selfish.
27. I'm self-conscious.
28. Insecure.
29. and get jealous easily.
30. I only think about my flaws.
31. When there's probably one or two good things about me.
32. My hand hurts. To be continued.

A Mess.

I haven't blogged in a while. It's cause I'm busy. But I was reading this shit & i realized how freaking deep & raw all this crap is. & I haven't written anything like that in a while. & i'm looking at pictures on dear_bright_young_love.'ecks'anga.com. & i love the pictures. & the quotes. Majano doesn't like the quotes. He says they suck. I can't see why. But whatever. I'm so freaking tired. One more day, one more day. That's all I'm hoping for, looking forward to. Sleeping till noon. I need a break. From life. So I'm up again at 10:22. Not sleeping yet 'cause I miss the feeling of the keyboard under my fingertips for all the right reasons. Not for some god damn Journalism Article, or for some bullshitted homework. I'm really tired of Junior year. But it's a crucial year, I heard. For college, and stuff. But I don't even know what I want to do in my life. All I've been sure of since the 6/7th grade was that I am going to change the world for the better. Not with a big bang. But with small stuff. Post it notes anonymously posted throughout the world saying, "You are loved." Maybe something like that. So if you see that, then that's going to be me alright. Oh, the joys of teen angst & e'cks'haustion. "Forever". I like the thought of the word, but I don't think it e'cks'sist. Me and Majano aren't going to last Forever. We just aren't. We woulnd't last a month in college. But y'know. I'm trying this thing where I live in the moment? Where I don't care about the future? But it hasn't been working out. I mean, I always find a way to think of the future. NYU, HCCC, College. Senior year. Pranks. I don't know. I want to pull a prank. Live in the moment. But like, I don't know. I just want to escape. Like majano said, "Get away from the same old same old."Just for a moment. Then I want to come back. But I don't think that makes sense does it? I don't know. I'm just a mess. A really big disaster. A contradiction. That's the only way I can describe myself. I read too much. Absorbed in these books, these stories, these quotes that dictate who I am. But nobody would really notice unless I'm all loud and outgoing. So what do i do? I don't know what the fuck I'm talkinga bout. I need to stop cursing. What's wrong with me. Why do I feel invisible sometimes? I don't know. Things are getting to my head. I don't want anything for christmas. Maybe a couple of books. Maybe a bookshelf. Maybe a key necklace. Or something sentimental. I dig sentimental shit. I really do. I always want people to notice the little things I do like using two packets of hot chocolate instead of one. Or putting garlic powder on my pizza. Or that my right eyebrow goes up in a bewildered e'cks'pression most of the time. Or that maybe I pick at my nails. & I don't look at the parts in movies when they start yelling or something. I don't know. I'm just a mess really. All this stuff is just spilled out 'cause I am so fkcing tired. Anyways, goodnight. I'll write again tommorow.



After a 2 hour nap. Or something.