He makes me happy.

just had the best day with majano, in like forever. i miss our late nights. see i'm up at 12; 23 still cause i dont want to go to sleep and forget. i mean i want to forget i'm hungry. but boy, i'm in love with this kid. it's not just the whole making out intense session thing, after like two weeks. but it's like, when we were laughing and talking and just fooling around. i freaking love that part of our relationship. like i'd give anything just to have that like, every single day. i'd even try to stop cursing. i love this kid so freakin' much. i mean, its not just a phyical attraction. he's the one who makes me smile une'ecks'pectedly. he's the one who makes me stay up late nights after have a good time with him. he's the one who makes me think. he's the one who makes my stomach erupt in freakin' butterflies, all the time. i mean, i know, i know we're not supposed to have se'ecks' and do anything like that. but man, other than that. i love this kid so freakin' much. I mean, we were just fooling around and I was messing with joel, and majano was laying across from me. Our foreheads touching. and it felt so right. It feels so right with him. and then it feels wrong. I know i contradict myself alot. but damn, lemme have this moment. i mean. i just had like a day of no fighting with majano. & i freakin' loved it. I love how i can still taste his kiss after he's left. i love how i can still smell him everytime i touch my close. i love holding his hands. it's the simple things y'know? & i really hope i stay with him forever. I mean, I'm prepared for wherever life takes me. But I hope. i really hope it's with him.

i'm in love with john majano. he makes me happy.

Please, please, just find me.

So. I don't know whats wrong with me. I love that we got our new puppy, Joel/MichaelAngelo/Leo/Theodore/Pongo. [We haven't decided on a name]. & I'm super happy, because he's our baby. And we have to watch him all the time. & it distracts me from school, missing majano, shit like that. & Last night, I questioned myself why I was being such a bitch to him lately. & I concluded its cause, well. If he does end up leaving me, or whatever for someone else, I figured it'd be because I was a bitch to him, y'know? At least in my mind I'd convince myself that he left me 'cause I was being a bitch. I'm just preparing myself for the worst. Or whats going to happen. I don't know anymore! I'm going everywhere in circles, octogons, squares, all kinds of neverending shapes. I'm so god damn lost with him. I don't know anymore! I want to be with him, I don't want to be with him. I'm fucking scared shitless of what he does to me. I'm not used to being completely vulnerable. I don't care if I'm using my dad as an e'ecks'cuse or whatever, but its the truth. I'm lost because of him. I'm fucking scared because of him. I want this whole thing between me and majano to be over then I dont because of him. I'm so fucking lost. Like I feel like I don't belong anywhere e'ecks'cept with abbz/tina/caresse/kat. cause its alright with caresse and kat. And abbz and tina are my best friends. They get me in ways people don't. Abby gives me advice and lets me talk to her till 1 in the morning even if shes sleepy. Tina cries when she reads all my writing because she understand all this shit I go through. & fuck they're my best friends. & I wish I could just be with them because it'd be fine with them. & I don't feel lost, I feel found. And when that feelings gone, I feel like I'm the only person in the world. Like no one can see me. & fuck, you don't understand how much I hate this empty feeling.

y'know, I prayed every single night for the past like, month? I pray for the same things every night. For God to keep Abby and Mommy safe. For Him to keep Tito Louie and Joel/Puppy safe. For him to maybe save my dad from whatever is wrong with him. And to keep Tina safe.

And the last words I pray are, "& God? Can you please find me? Like how Jesus left the herd of sheep when that one strayed away. I was wondering if you can find me. Because I've been lost and my hearts been hurting. So please, please, just find me."