outsidelookingin.

lonelylonelylonely. i've been awfully lonely, lately. "junior schedule, junior schedule, junior schedule." I'm on the outside looking in. I'm drifting from Karen. feels like it. I don't want to hang with her tommorow. 'Cause we'd hang with Sammy/ Jupe/ Resa, and like I miss them and all but they'd be talking about shit I don't know about. & everythings all weird. 'Cause i feel like I don't belong anywhere. & it's not like anybody'll understand. Because I'm at UHS and I don't belong there either because like, I've been in a catholic school all my life. I haven't grown up with those kids. & the friends I actually want to spend my years with are like, in another school. Forgetting about me. & I don't know. it's quite lonely. That's why i love hanging out with Abby & Tina, because with them, it feels like it doesn't matter. but with other people it feels like it does. Like everything is just going on, and I'm just on the outside looking in. & I don't belong, anywhere. I feel like I'm lost. Everywhere. Cept with Abbz and Tina. They're the only ones I belong with. I don't even know with Majano. Because he's moving on too. & he's with them. And I don't know. Left out. I don't know. I mean, its not like I want to be part of the crowd so desperately but like. idk. im just out of everything. its like i dont belong anywhere.


P.S. I just fell on my ass and like cut my ankle. wtf is wrong with me. my laptop landed in this weird position. what a fail.

sometimes i get emotional.

i'm feeling a little more lonely, melacholic, and nostalgic lately. =/

Infatuation.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eb2eSZ2x5aE

so, this song was on my friend's facebook & it's got me thinking. how do we know when it's not infatuation. "you just know." I'm sure you do, but what if you were in love but you didn't believe it? like, you thought it was infatuation? what distincts one thing from another. "real love is more than butterflies in your stomach." so then that's deep like, right? but then, how do you know.

"we're looking for love but we're not sure what to find." & that's true. because how do you know what you're looking for. it's like going on a neverending circle, looking for whatever it is called love. & i'm just wondering how do you know when it's love because i've always wondered that with majano. I say i'm in love with him, i tell him i'm in love with him, but i seriously think it's only infatuation. but is it? or is it just because i don't want myself to be in love ? i'm not sure. because, i'm looking for love but then i'm not. so, tell me, when do you know?

is there just a feeling that goes, "yes, he/she's the one." or maybe it's a fleeting moment and you just plummet downwards without knowing it. & how does one, fall out of love. does that mean they weren't in love in the first place? because how do you stop loving the person you love ? and sometimes, i just wish i had a map to the human soul because too many things in this world contradict each other, confusing so many people in the process.

how does one know when they've fallen? it's a simple question. i just need a simple answer besides the usual, "You'll know." because if you have doubts, is it because you're insecure about it? or is it because it's not really love? And i'm just so confused. hm.

brokenhearts.

me and majano fought last night. & i told him to die. & fuck himself. because, he was well. prodding with a wound that shouldn't be touched. & damn, i was so frustrated with him because he was so mad cause we couldn't chill. i guess it was 'cause we were supposed to fuck, or maybe it was cause i was hanging out with my cousins instead of him but whatever. then he was saying i was bitching about not seeing them. i hate the fact that he acts like all the shit that i tell him is what it is. i mean, it has a certain depth to it. he doesn't fucking get the whole jist of how fucked up my family is. how they look at me like i'm so fucking insignificantly small in the world. he doesn't get that i'm trying so hard not to be a burden and shit to my mom even though i'm completely useless. telling me that "I'm so fucking sorry i don't wait till my mom gets home to bring me food." "Now I'm beginning to understand why your dad yells at you." well, that's why i told him to fuck off. because idc anymore.

you can fucking yell at me, call me a bitch, resent me for shit until the world ends. you can fucking leave. do all that shit just like he did. i don't fucking care anymore. so don't start shit like you know a single thing about me. 'cause you don't.

I already know what a fuck I am, you don't need to tell me again.

birthdaywishes.

so. birthday didn't suck after all. it did a smidge. got an itouch from my dad. was pretty stubborn and didn't say thanks. until like 12. & yeahs, that's it. so, i also got stabbed in the finger with a fork because majano talks to much sometimes and doesn't pay attention to what he's doing. -sigh- this kid. anyways, he made it a pretty good birthday. so - yeahs. that's it.

"Man, I hope our kid looks like you." lols.