We always end up together again. &&

blahblahblahblah. SO. we always end up getting back together. && truth be told, i wouldn't have stayed if it weren't for caresse && karen. <3 love those kids. But yeahs, it's like fight, make up . repeat the process. I don't know what it is that always brings me back to him. or him back to me. Or whatever. But for some reason it always happens. "Is that love?" He asked. I didn't know. Was that? Or was it simply because we haven't seen each other so we got stubborn and fought. Then when we finally see each other it's different. It's always different when we see each other. I don't know what it is that always brings us back together. I wonder what it is. y'know? I wonder if we're meant to be together or something. I thought for sure this was going to def end. Three days I didn't te'cks't him and he didn't te'cks't me. Three days. Longest we haven't talked. && then he ends up just saying the few words that would make me mad. "Why would you come to a party if you're not enjoying it?" Something along those lines. && I end up holding his hand. I don't know. It was spur of the moment. Agh, spur of the moment. Fights are inevitable. Change is inevitable. We're going to fight again. I just know it. Soon. I know. But we just made up but I have a feeling we'll fight soon. Really soon. It makes me sad. But I'm so happy that we're together again. I really missed him. I cried. It made me cry. Y'know cause my heart was hurting and all. I don't know. His parents yelled at him. They called him an idiot. lol. Because he broke up with me. They said that "If you didn't love her you wouldn't spend two years with her." && i don't know. Me and him know we use the word love but we really don't mean it. Because we don't know what it means. But honestly, maybe we are in love. maybe because we're so focused on us not being in love that we actually fell in love? I don't know. I'm thinking so much. Boy oh boy. So much stuff was reminding me of him. He said he came for Joey because Joey was going to be the only guy there. I wonder why we went though. Both of us. Y'know? I don't know. I missed him. I love him. I love him not. I zunno anymore. But remember. Fight Make up repeat the process.

Bubby.

Bubby, my dog. He makes me happy. I'm tired from school. I finished my algebra 2 quadratics take home quiz which was hard. Then I finished my catcher in the rye composition. Didn't do my mission statement for Club In-Cog-Ni-To. Didn't finish psych's questions for the shawshank redemption. Gotta give Bubby a bath tommorow and go to the laundromat to wash his bed cover thing. It reeks of piss. I have to do my abortion debate. I have to finish my journalism project. I have to write my article for the March newspaper. I've got the HSPA i've got to pass in March in order to graduate. I've got the SATs in march. I didn't study. I can't read. I can't write. My mom thinks that I'm fine. I'm not. I'm busying myself. Everything's reminding me of him. My friend Ale'cks' is reminding me of him. Maybe it was supposed to be like this. Maybe I'm supposed to be e'cks'tra busy when this happened. Boy, I really need a break. But I can't have one. I don't have time for one. I'm booked for the ne'cks't two months. I've got HSPA classes to take, Clubs to make. All this shit, I'm so fucking tired of it. Tired of everything. All this bullshit that life's throwing me one after the other. I'm tired of faking that I'm alright at school.

One more day, one more day. Escape just from everything. Everyone.

I need a break. A break. I just need a break.

I love bubby. I like how he's always happy when he sees me. When he sees us. Plays with us. Because well he's a puppy. && I love that. the only thing that's not changing.

The only thing that keeps me going is when I get home I see Bubby jumping up and down and Abby's saying, "Go, boy!"

&&.

My heart hurts. Still.

Slow motion - Karina.
So much about this crazy game they call love, that i'm trying to understand. So could you be my best friend before you call yourself my man? Why can't I love you in slow motion, take my time? Take away the pressures on my mind. Really get to know you, but rewind. I wanna love you in slow motion. Why can't I?

Gravity - Sarah Bareilles.
Something always brings me back to you. It never takes too long. No matter what I say or do. I still feel you here, till the moment I'm gone. You hold me without touch. You keep me without chains. I never wanted anything so much. Then to drown in your love and not feel your rain. Set me free, leave me be, I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity. You loved me 'cos I'm fragile, when I thought that I was strong. But you touched me for a little while, and all my fragile strength is gone.

My throat hurts. I'm sick && I have so much crap to do. I've got to edit this article for the paper, and do another one for the march issue on top of that. I have to do the In-Cog-Ni-To club we have. & this english thing for the catcher in the rye. The sweet 16 on sunday. & I still can't get majano out of my head so I can't even concentrate in class. Stupid stupid stupid.


"You’re in a car with a beautiful boy, and he won’t tell you that he loves you, but he loves you. And you feel like you’ve done something terrible, like robbed a liquor store, or swallowed pills, or shoveled yourself a grave in the dirt, and you’re tired. You’re in a car with a beautiful boy, and you’re trying not to tell him that you love him, and you’re trying to choke down the feeling, and you’re trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you’ve discovered something you didn’t even have a name for." -Richard Siken

why do i feel so lost.

it's late, i'm so fucking tired already. It's wed. The week's almost over. Two more days of the week to get through. 3 freaking days. Longest 3 freaking days of my life. && me and majano are still not together. Mainly my fault because I didn't tell Majano that I wanted to get back together yet. && I do want to get back together but then I don't. It's getting worse, you know. We're too busy to talk. I'm avoiding it for some reason. Wait, no. I want him to bring it up. The whole fight. Everything. But we can't talk. Cause he doesn't bring it up. && so i'm left with all these unsaid words. All these god damn unsaid words. && all i want to do is run. Run so far away. just forget about it. It hurts, you know? We didn't talk about it today. && I think it's getting worse. It's just. Not fi'cks'ing. But maybe that's because I'm not fi'cks'ing it. I should say sorry. Be mature. But why. Why should I? My heart hurts right now and he doesn't even know. But I'm stupid and immature because I e'cks'pect so much from him. But then I just want to be acknowledged. I'm so fucking invisible. I know it's retarded and shit that I feel invisible. Everyone knows we go out. But still. Besides that. I'm just Ali. I'm stupid in public. I don't act like his girl. He doesn't act like my boyfriend. We're so fucking bad for each other. And I'm so fucking tired. I just want to be acknowledged. I know we're not like other couples but no lie, i get so jealous when I see picture of guys with their girlfriends while I'm not even majano's background on his phone. I'm just there. His girlfriend. That's it. And it's annoying. Two fucking years. Almost two fucking years. && it hurts. to feel not important anymore. I don't know if we should make up. If my heart's still hurting, I don't think it's good for me to be with him. But then he's been with me even if I've been a pain in the ass. But I'm so. ugh. my heart hurts right now. Like I'm physically hurting. Man, I really don't want to deal with school tommorow. I don't know what to do. I want a map. I just want a freaking map. I've screwed up way too many times and I'm not learning a single thing. && WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO!? I WANT TO FREAKING SCREAM. SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS. I'M SO TIRED OF FREAKING EVERYTHING. I JUST WANT TO GIVE UP. I WANT TO BE SOME FUCKING COWARD. I DONT WANT TO DEPEND ON ANYBODY, ANYTHING, I JUST WANT TO BE EMOTIONLESS. EMOTIONS ARE TOO HARD TO HANDLE. MY HEART HURTS.


how many times does my heart have to take this pain in my lifetime. i just want some answers. everyone wants answers. I'm dying for some. i'm such a god damn fuck up. i'm indecisive. i'm confused. i don't know what i'm going to do in life. i'm lazy. i have potential but i'm so fucking lazy. i'm selfish. i'm undeserving. i'm quiet. i'm tired all the time. i talk about people. i curse too much. i'm tired. all i do is read. and it doesn't even help me. i forget all the time. i'm too emotional. i'm sleeping late. i wake up in the middle of the night all the time. restless nights. i don't know what to do about my boyfriend e'cks'-boyfriend thing. i am so fucking tired of life. i try to hard and get nothing. i'm selfish. i'm naive. i'm too nice. i'm boring. i'm uninteresting. i'm not good at anything. i'm not going anywhere in life. i'm just tired. that's alli can say. i don't know and i'm tired. i'm a bum. i dress lousy. i'm not prepared for the real-world. i'm messed up. i just want to cry all the time. i just want to cry. i am crying. i cry all the time. i don't eat breakfast. i barely eat. i don't want to talk to jamila, so i say i'm going somewhere. i don't want to walk home with anyone. i'm tired. i just want to go away already. i want to scream on a mountaintop. i want a map. i want help. I'm weak. and stupid. and a coward. i'm just like my dad. i'm tired. i'm tired. i'm tired. my heart hurts. my heart hurts. i'm just this mess of a human being. i have an attitude with the people i care most about. why am i a mistake. why does my dad hate me. why am i such a problem for my mom and abby. why am i here.

why do i feel so lost.




"daughter to father, daughter to father, i am broken but i'm still hoping. daughter to father, daughter to father. Did you ever love me? Did you ever love me. These are the confessions of a broken heart.

I wait. for the postman. to bring me a letter." - confessions of a broken heart.