Whackwhackwhakc.

So, vent a little bit. Stressing hella much lately. been keeping up with the grades and everything. anyway i broke down today 'cause i was so tired and stressed and i don't know. whack. Anyways my mom was yelling at me asking me what's wrong and I had a feeling it had to do with majano. I think majano triggers my an'ecks'iety attacks. Like I only had two. This is my second. But Eeh. Like I think it's bad. I need to stop thinking about stuff so much. About the relationship yaddayadda. But anyway. She asked me if I had se'cks'. and Like, majanos got it in a couple times but like, we haven't had full on se'cks' so I told her no. That's true right? I hope so. Anyways, I don't want to have full on secks anytime soon because I feel like it's giving myself completely to him? I mean, obviously I'm not a virgin cause he's got it in like 3 times? or more I'm pretty sure. But only single digits. But yeah, but no full on secks. Cause it feels like I'm going to feel completely vulnerable. & I'm not ready. And i guess that's why my mom doesn't want me to have secks? Bad ass grammer in this blog. queer. anyways, yeahs. But I feel bad cause he gets condoms? And we never finish cause I'm scared. & agh. i don't know. I'm okay with quickies but not full on secks. Or Making Love. Or Fucking. I can't have an hour secks. But my hormones want to ? But then I can't cause I'm not mentally ready I guess?

Agh. I'm so confused lately. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack.

He makes me happy.

just had the best day with majano, in like forever. i miss our late nights. see i'm up at 12; 23 still cause i dont want to go to sleep and forget. i mean i want to forget i'm hungry. but boy, i'm in love with this kid. it's not just the whole making out intense session thing, after like two weeks. but it's like, when we were laughing and talking and just fooling around. i freaking love that part of our relationship. like i'd give anything just to have that like, every single day. i'd even try to stop cursing. i love this kid so freakin' much. i mean, its not just a phyical attraction. he's the one who makes me smile une'ecks'pectedly. he's the one who makes me stay up late nights after have a good time with him. he's the one who makes me think. he's the one who makes my stomach erupt in freakin' butterflies, all the time. i mean, i know, i know we're not supposed to have se'ecks' and do anything like that. but man, other than that. i love this kid so freakin' much. I mean, we were just fooling around and I was messing with joel, and majano was laying across from me. Our foreheads touching. and it felt so right. It feels so right with him. and then it feels wrong. I know i contradict myself alot. but damn, lemme have this moment. i mean. i just had like a day of no fighting with majano. & i freakin' loved it. I love how i can still taste his kiss after he's left. i love how i can still smell him everytime i touch my close. i love holding his hands. it's the simple things y'know? & i really hope i stay with him forever. I mean, I'm prepared for wherever life takes me. But I hope. i really hope it's with him.

i'm in love with john majano. he makes me happy.

Please, please, just find me.

So. I don't know whats wrong with me. I love that we got our new puppy, Joel/MichaelAngelo/Leo/Theodore/Pongo. [We haven't decided on a name]. & I'm super happy, because he's our baby. And we have to watch him all the time. & it distracts me from school, missing majano, shit like that. & Last night, I questioned myself why I was being such a bitch to him lately. & I concluded its cause, well. If he does end up leaving me, or whatever for someone else, I figured it'd be because I was a bitch to him, y'know? At least in my mind I'd convince myself that he left me 'cause I was being a bitch. I'm just preparing myself for the worst. Or whats going to happen. I don't know anymore! I'm going everywhere in circles, octogons, squares, all kinds of neverending shapes. I'm so god damn lost with him. I don't know anymore! I want to be with him, I don't want to be with him. I'm fucking scared shitless of what he does to me. I'm not used to being completely vulnerable. I don't care if I'm using my dad as an e'ecks'cuse or whatever, but its the truth. I'm lost because of him. I'm fucking scared because of him. I want this whole thing between me and majano to be over then I dont because of him. I'm so fucking lost. Like I feel like I don't belong anywhere e'ecks'cept with abbz/tina/caresse/kat. cause its alright with caresse and kat. And abbz and tina are my best friends. They get me in ways people don't. Abby gives me advice and lets me talk to her till 1 in the morning even if shes sleepy. Tina cries when she reads all my writing because she understand all this shit I go through. & fuck they're my best friends. & I wish I could just be with them because it'd be fine with them. & I don't feel lost, I feel found. And when that feelings gone, I feel like I'm the only person in the world. Like no one can see me. & fuck, you don't understand how much I hate this empty feeling.

y'know, I prayed every single night for the past like, month? I pray for the same things every night. For God to keep Abby and Mommy safe. For Him to keep Tito Louie and Joel/Puppy safe. For him to maybe save my dad from whatever is wrong with him. And to keep Tina safe.

And the last words I pray are, "& God? Can you please find me? Like how Jesus left the herd of sheep when that one strayed away. I was wondering if you can find me. Because I've been lost and my hearts been hurting. So please, please, just find me."

outsidelookingin.

lonelylonelylonely. i've been awfully lonely, lately. "junior schedule, junior schedule, junior schedule." I'm on the outside looking in. I'm drifting from Karen. feels like it. I don't want to hang with her tommorow. 'Cause we'd hang with Sammy/ Jupe/ Resa, and like I miss them and all but they'd be talking about shit I don't know about. & everythings all weird. 'Cause i feel like I don't belong anywhere. & it's not like anybody'll understand. Because I'm at UHS and I don't belong there either because like, I've been in a catholic school all my life. I haven't grown up with those kids. & the friends I actually want to spend my years with are like, in another school. Forgetting about me. & I don't know. it's quite lonely. That's why i love hanging out with Abby & Tina, because with them, it feels like it doesn't matter. but with other people it feels like it does. Like everything is just going on, and I'm just on the outside looking in. & I don't belong, anywhere. I feel like I'm lost. Everywhere. Cept with Abbz and Tina. They're the only ones I belong with. I don't even know with Majano. Because he's moving on too. & he's with them. And I don't know. Left out. I don't know. I mean, its not like I want to be part of the crowd so desperately but like. idk. im just out of everything. its like i dont belong anywhere.


P.S. I just fell on my ass and like cut my ankle. wtf is wrong with me. my laptop landed in this weird position. what a fail.

sometimes i get emotional.

i'm feeling a little more lonely, melacholic, and nostalgic lately. =/

Infatuation.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eb2eSZ2x5aE

so, this song was on my friend's facebook & it's got me thinking. how do we know when it's not infatuation. "you just know." I'm sure you do, but what if you were in love but you didn't believe it? like, you thought it was infatuation? what distincts one thing from another. "real love is more than butterflies in your stomach." so then that's deep like, right? but then, how do you know.

"we're looking for love but we're not sure what to find." & that's true. because how do you know what you're looking for. it's like going on a neverending circle, looking for whatever it is called love. & i'm just wondering how do you know when it's love because i've always wondered that with majano. I say i'm in love with him, i tell him i'm in love with him, but i seriously think it's only infatuation. but is it? or is it just because i don't want myself to be in love ? i'm not sure. because, i'm looking for love but then i'm not. so, tell me, when do you know?

is there just a feeling that goes, "yes, he/she's the one." or maybe it's a fleeting moment and you just plummet downwards without knowing it. & how does one, fall out of love. does that mean they weren't in love in the first place? because how do you stop loving the person you love ? and sometimes, i just wish i had a map to the human soul because too many things in this world contradict each other, confusing so many people in the process.

how does one know when they've fallen? it's a simple question. i just need a simple answer besides the usual, "You'll know." because if you have doubts, is it because you're insecure about it? or is it because it's not really love? And i'm just so confused. hm.

brokenhearts.

me and majano fought last night. & i told him to die. & fuck himself. because, he was well. prodding with a wound that shouldn't be touched. & damn, i was so frustrated with him because he was so mad cause we couldn't chill. i guess it was 'cause we were supposed to fuck, or maybe it was cause i was hanging out with my cousins instead of him but whatever. then he was saying i was bitching about not seeing them. i hate the fact that he acts like all the shit that i tell him is what it is. i mean, it has a certain depth to it. he doesn't fucking get the whole jist of how fucked up my family is. how they look at me like i'm so fucking insignificantly small in the world. he doesn't get that i'm trying so hard not to be a burden and shit to my mom even though i'm completely useless. telling me that "I'm so fucking sorry i don't wait till my mom gets home to bring me food." "Now I'm beginning to understand why your dad yells at you." well, that's why i told him to fuck off. because idc anymore.

you can fucking yell at me, call me a bitch, resent me for shit until the world ends. you can fucking leave. do all that shit just like he did. i don't fucking care anymore. so don't start shit like you know a single thing about me. 'cause you don't.

I already know what a fuck I am, you don't need to tell me again.