Queeee.

I am way too emotionally for my own good. I cried today because i got a virus in the only working computer in the house. I feel like i made another bad impression on majanos family. And i feel bad because i really want them to like me yknow? And i hope we stay together forever but thinking realistically, thats highly unlikely. Being one in a million couples to last a lifetime together is a rather ridiculous thought. Im typing on my ithouch so excus any typos. And excuse the random trailing houghts becaus iv got at least a million and a half things on my mind right now. My eyes are killing me, im on spring break. I loved friday where me and majano just chilled. Well obgiously we got the physical things out of the way frst, then we chilled. I giggled mad much, like a giddy high aschool girl in love. Ever wonder wha being in love really is like? I wondEr if im in love. Thatd be great. I do lovmajano. I do. He gets me on ways i dont get myslf. I sometimes still get jealos of uc kids but its going away alot now. Im content as to where i am, just gotta be content to who i am. Gota find myself. Lost like always. But ive got bigger things to worry bot then honor roll dinners. Ive got stuff like lving life, loving my family, being in love, and finding happiness to worry about. Who kmows maybe ive got all thE answers.

LOST. LOST. nothing but lost.

i'm so fucking lost. i'm so irritated. Annoyed. I hate myself so much. I hate that I'm a fuck up like my dad. I hate that i'm indecisive like my dad. I hate that every quality i have just reaks of him. & he says that I'm like my mom. I'm not. I'm not emotionally stable. I'm not persistent. I'm not clean. I'm not anything. I am just what I am. A Fuck. Up. I hate myself. Everyone knows what they're going to do when they get out of high school, but I don't. Am I going no where? Am I just following this narrow road to the end of my life? I don't know who I am. I don't know who I want to be. I don't know how to overcome anything. I am a small tiny child in a corner during a thunderstorm. I just want help. But there is no help. Just me. By myself. How do people see the good stuff? All I see are flaws. Stitched together. That's all I am. Why am I lost all the time. Why can't I ever find my way? Nights wasted crying when I could be living. All these stupid, stupid regrets. All these stupid, stupid thoughts. Where am I going? What am I going to do? Nothing. Who am I going to be when I grow up? Nobody. Nobody at all. Because I'm not good at anything, at all. I'm not a good writer. There are a million hundred better writers than me. My sister is even a better writer than me. My sister makes me mom more proud then me. Why does it feel like nobody wants me? Because that's all I am. A screw-up. I never stick to what I want to do. All I'm good at is talking about myself. I'm an egotistical son of a bitch. With low self esteem and no confidence whatsoever. A face in a crowded room. Nothing but a face. Why do I feel so lonely? Lonely. I'm so selfish, aren't I? I have friends. Some people don't even have families. Flaws. Flaws. Flaws.

Just another face in a crowded room. Nothing but a face.

why

why am i such a fuck up. i can never do anything right. just for once, i wanna do something right. i gave up doing it for lent. but i ended up doing it today. i hate myself. i hate myself so much. i told my sister a couple weeks ago about the condoms that im hiding for majano. im corrupting her mind. im just one big whole fuck up. i talk too much. i can never do anything right. im not strong willed. i cant do anything. i always end up doing shit that i dont want to. i always end up doing shit that i know is wrong. i know that my mom would be disappointed at me. i know my sister is disappointed at me. i wanna cry. why am i such a fuck up. what's wrong with me? why am i like this. why cant i just be calm and a good person. why. what is wrong with me. God, will he punish me for being like this? He's disappointed at who i am. i need to change. change. change. change. change. for lent. that's it. changing. no cursing, no slacking, no sexual related activities. nothing. nothing nothing. nothing. i need to stop. now.

ramble - 23432118908895364559

haven't rambled in a while. had the longest weekend and i'm tired, so i think i'm going to sleep early tonight. one more day before school. it's almost summer. <3 fucking looking forward to that. ah, but then i gotta make it the best cos i'm going to college soon. well a year and a half. it's crazy to think about. makes you feel rather melancholic about everything, so i won't think about it. i've been slackin' lately. did not do that article for the newspaper that was due on the snow day. woah, first article i haven't done for the newspaper. shame on me. shame shame shame. my sisters snoring away. i just want it to be summer already so i'm already chilling and such. no worries. <3 please, just take me to summer already.

it was valentine's day the other day, well yesterday. i don't really celebrate it but jay's been getting me something since freshman year, and i haven't gotten him anything. the only thing i got him was a card. it was lady and the tramp and it played belle notte when it was opened. but the card itself said, "With you, i just knew." that in itself describes our relationship. <3 oh love. such a silly game we play. & he got me this thing that lights up and shit && he got me another picture frame<3. it's cute. i might see him tommorow, but i'm not sure. he's getting his license soon. s'yeah. i had to tell someone about majano being dumb about not hiding the condoms so i accidentally said it to abby. i hope she forgets, 'cos when majano put them in my pocket and i said wheres my bag, she already knew i was gonna hide them. && like, she felt so bad. she was upset. now i know to keep my mouth shut. i talk to much. i talk too much. i talk too much. even with my mom. so now i know, that some stuff you just shouldn't say. && the problem with me is that i gotta tell people cos i don't wanna be quiet about it. it's not i want to brag, but i dont want to face shit alone again. && idkk. i just have a knack for word vomiting after the whole incident. no more talking ali no more talking. my wrist is killing me. && bubby bit me really hard and i have za cut/bruise on my arm muscle && its killing me. :/ goodnight for now, world.

We always end up together again. &&

blahblahblahblah. SO. we always end up getting back together. && truth be told, i wouldn't have stayed if it weren't for caresse && karen. <3 love those kids. But yeahs, it's like fight, make up . repeat the process. I don't know what it is that always brings me back to him. or him back to me. Or whatever. But for some reason it always happens. "Is that love?" He asked. I didn't know. Was that? Or was it simply because we haven't seen each other so we got stubborn and fought. Then when we finally see each other it's different. It's always different when we see each other. I don't know what it is that always brings us back together. I wonder what it is. y'know? I wonder if we're meant to be together or something. I thought for sure this was going to def end. Three days I didn't te'cks't him and he didn't te'cks't me. Three days. Longest we haven't talked. && then he ends up just saying the few words that would make me mad. "Why would you come to a party if you're not enjoying it?" Something along those lines. && I end up holding his hand. I don't know. It was spur of the moment. Agh, spur of the moment. Fights are inevitable. Change is inevitable. We're going to fight again. I just know it. Soon. I know. But we just made up but I have a feeling we'll fight soon. Really soon. It makes me sad. But I'm so happy that we're together again. I really missed him. I cried. It made me cry. Y'know cause my heart was hurting and all. I don't know. His parents yelled at him. They called him an idiot. lol. Because he broke up with me. They said that "If you didn't love her you wouldn't spend two years with her." && i don't know. Me and him know we use the word love but we really don't mean it. Because we don't know what it means. But honestly, maybe we are in love. maybe because we're so focused on us not being in love that we actually fell in love? I don't know. I'm thinking so much. Boy oh boy. So much stuff was reminding me of him. He said he came for Joey because Joey was going to be the only guy there. I wonder why we went though. Both of us. Y'know? I don't know. I missed him. I love him. I love him not. I zunno anymore. But remember. Fight Make up repeat the process.

Bubby.

Bubby, my dog. He makes me happy. I'm tired from school. I finished my algebra 2 quadratics take home quiz which was hard. Then I finished my catcher in the rye composition. Didn't do my mission statement for Club In-Cog-Ni-To. Didn't finish psych's questions for the shawshank redemption. Gotta give Bubby a bath tommorow and go to the laundromat to wash his bed cover thing. It reeks of piss. I have to do my abortion debate. I have to finish my journalism project. I have to write my article for the March newspaper. I've got the HSPA i've got to pass in March in order to graduate. I've got the SATs in march. I didn't study. I can't read. I can't write. My mom thinks that I'm fine. I'm not. I'm busying myself. Everything's reminding me of him. My friend Ale'cks' is reminding me of him. Maybe it was supposed to be like this. Maybe I'm supposed to be e'cks'tra busy when this happened. Boy, I really need a break. But I can't have one. I don't have time for one. I'm booked for the ne'cks't two months. I've got HSPA classes to take, Clubs to make. All this shit, I'm so fucking tired of it. Tired of everything. All this bullshit that life's throwing me one after the other. I'm tired of faking that I'm alright at school.

One more day, one more day. Escape just from everything. Everyone.

I need a break. A break. I just need a break.

I love bubby. I like how he's always happy when he sees me. When he sees us. Plays with us. Because well he's a puppy. && I love that. the only thing that's not changing.

The only thing that keeps me going is when I get home I see Bubby jumping up and down and Abby's saying, "Go, boy!"

&&.

My heart hurts. Still.

Slow motion - Karina.
So much about this crazy game they call love, that i'm trying to understand. So could you be my best friend before you call yourself my man? Why can't I love you in slow motion, take my time? Take away the pressures on my mind. Really get to know you, but rewind. I wanna love you in slow motion. Why can't I?

Gravity - Sarah Bareilles.
Something always brings me back to you. It never takes too long. No matter what I say or do. I still feel you here, till the moment I'm gone. You hold me without touch. You keep me without chains. I never wanted anything so much. Then to drown in your love and not feel your rain. Set me free, leave me be, I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity. You loved me 'cos I'm fragile, when I thought that I was strong. But you touched me for a little while, and all my fragile strength is gone.

My throat hurts. I'm sick && I have so much crap to do. I've got to edit this article for the paper, and do another one for the march issue on top of that. I have to do the In-Cog-Ni-To club we have. & this english thing for the catcher in the rye. The sweet 16 on sunday. & I still can't get majano out of my head so I can't even concentrate in class. Stupid stupid stupid.


"You’re in a car with a beautiful boy, and he won’t tell you that he loves you, but he loves you. And you feel like you’ve done something terrible, like robbed a liquor store, or swallowed pills, or shoveled yourself a grave in the dirt, and you’re tired. You’re in a car with a beautiful boy, and you’re trying not to tell him that you love him, and you’re trying to choke down the feeling, and you’re trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you’ve discovered something you didn’t even have a name for." -Richard Siken