ramble - 23432118908895364559

haven't rambled in a while. had the longest weekend and i'm tired, so i think i'm going to sleep early tonight. one more day before school. it's almost summer. <3 fucking looking forward to that. ah, but then i gotta make it the best cos i'm going to college soon. well a year and a half. it's crazy to think about. makes you feel rather melancholic about everything, so i won't think about it. i've been slackin' lately. did not do that article for the newspaper that was due on the snow day. woah, first article i haven't done for the newspaper. shame on me. shame shame shame. my sisters snoring away. i just want it to be summer already so i'm already chilling and such. no worries. <3 please, just take me to summer already.

it was valentine's day the other day, well yesterday. i don't really celebrate it but jay's been getting me something since freshman year, and i haven't gotten him anything. the only thing i got him was a card. it was lady and the tramp and it played belle notte when it was opened. but the card itself said, "With you, i just knew." that in itself describes our relationship. <3 oh love. such a silly game we play. & he got me this thing that lights up and shit && he got me another picture frame<3. it's cute. i might see him tommorow, but i'm not sure. he's getting his license soon. s'yeah. i had to tell someone about majano being dumb about not hiding the condoms so i accidentally said it to abby. i hope she forgets, 'cos when majano put them in my pocket and i said wheres my bag, she already knew i was gonna hide them. && like, she felt so bad. she was upset. now i know to keep my mouth shut. i talk to much. i talk too much. i talk too much. even with my mom. so now i know, that some stuff you just shouldn't say. && the problem with me is that i gotta tell people cos i don't wanna be quiet about it. it's not i want to brag, but i dont want to face shit alone again. && idkk. i just have a knack for word vomiting after the whole incident. no more talking ali no more talking. my wrist is killing me. && bubby bit me really hard and i have za cut/bruise on my arm muscle && its killing me. :/ goodnight for now, world.

We always end up together again. &&

blahblahblahblah. SO. we always end up getting back together. && truth be told, i wouldn't have stayed if it weren't for caresse && karen. <3 love those kids. But yeahs, it's like fight, make up . repeat the process. I don't know what it is that always brings me back to him. or him back to me. Or whatever. But for some reason it always happens. "Is that love?" He asked. I didn't know. Was that? Or was it simply because we haven't seen each other so we got stubborn and fought. Then when we finally see each other it's different. It's always different when we see each other. I don't know what it is that always brings us back together. I wonder what it is. y'know? I wonder if we're meant to be together or something. I thought for sure this was going to def end. Three days I didn't te'cks't him and he didn't te'cks't me. Three days. Longest we haven't talked. && then he ends up just saying the few words that would make me mad. "Why would you come to a party if you're not enjoying it?" Something along those lines. && I end up holding his hand. I don't know. It was spur of the moment. Agh, spur of the moment. Fights are inevitable. Change is inevitable. We're going to fight again. I just know it. Soon. I know. But we just made up but I have a feeling we'll fight soon. Really soon. It makes me sad. But I'm so happy that we're together again. I really missed him. I cried. It made me cry. Y'know cause my heart was hurting and all. I don't know. His parents yelled at him. They called him an idiot. lol. Because he broke up with me. They said that "If you didn't love her you wouldn't spend two years with her." && i don't know. Me and him know we use the word love but we really don't mean it. Because we don't know what it means. But honestly, maybe we are in love. maybe because we're so focused on us not being in love that we actually fell in love? I don't know. I'm thinking so much. Boy oh boy. So much stuff was reminding me of him. He said he came for Joey because Joey was going to be the only guy there. I wonder why we went though. Both of us. Y'know? I don't know. I missed him. I love him. I love him not. I zunno anymore. But remember. Fight Make up repeat the process.

Bubby.

Bubby, my dog. He makes me happy. I'm tired from school. I finished my algebra 2 quadratics take home quiz which was hard. Then I finished my catcher in the rye composition. Didn't do my mission statement for Club In-Cog-Ni-To. Didn't finish psych's questions for the shawshank redemption. Gotta give Bubby a bath tommorow and go to the laundromat to wash his bed cover thing. It reeks of piss. I have to do my abortion debate. I have to finish my journalism project. I have to write my article for the March newspaper. I've got the HSPA i've got to pass in March in order to graduate. I've got the SATs in march. I didn't study. I can't read. I can't write. My mom thinks that I'm fine. I'm not. I'm busying myself. Everything's reminding me of him. My friend Ale'cks' is reminding me of him. Maybe it was supposed to be like this. Maybe I'm supposed to be e'cks'tra busy when this happened. Boy, I really need a break. But I can't have one. I don't have time for one. I'm booked for the ne'cks't two months. I've got HSPA classes to take, Clubs to make. All this shit, I'm so fucking tired of it. Tired of everything. All this bullshit that life's throwing me one after the other. I'm tired of faking that I'm alright at school.

One more day, one more day. Escape just from everything. Everyone.

I need a break. A break. I just need a break.

I love bubby. I like how he's always happy when he sees me. When he sees us. Plays with us. Because well he's a puppy. && I love that. the only thing that's not changing.

The only thing that keeps me going is when I get home I see Bubby jumping up and down and Abby's saying, "Go, boy!"

&&.

My heart hurts. Still.

Slow motion - Karina.
So much about this crazy game they call love, that i'm trying to understand. So could you be my best friend before you call yourself my man? Why can't I love you in slow motion, take my time? Take away the pressures on my mind. Really get to know you, but rewind. I wanna love you in slow motion. Why can't I?

Gravity - Sarah Bareilles.
Something always brings me back to you. It never takes too long. No matter what I say or do. I still feel you here, till the moment I'm gone. You hold me without touch. You keep me without chains. I never wanted anything so much. Then to drown in your love and not feel your rain. Set me free, leave me be, I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity. You loved me 'cos I'm fragile, when I thought that I was strong. But you touched me for a little while, and all my fragile strength is gone.

My throat hurts. I'm sick && I have so much crap to do. I've got to edit this article for the paper, and do another one for the march issue on top of that. I have to do the In-Cog-Ni-To club we have. & this english thing for the catcher in the rye. The sweet 16 on sunday. & I still can't get majano out of my head so I can't even concentrate in class. Stupid stupid stupid.


"You’re in a car with a beautiful boy, and he won’t tell you that he loves you, but he loves you. And you feel like you’ve done something terrible, like robbed a liquor store, or swallowed pills, or shoveled yourself a grave in the dirt, and you’re tired. You’re in a car with a beautiful boy, and you’re trying not to tell him that you love him, and you’re trying to choke down the feeling, and you’re trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you’ve discovered something you didn’t even have a name for." -Richard Siken

why do i feel so lost.

it's late, i'm so fucking tired already. It's wed. The week's almost over. Two more days of the week to get through. 3 freaking days. Longest 3 freaking days of my life. && me and majano are still not together. Mainly my fault because I didn't tell Majano that I wanted to get back together yet. && I do want to get back together but then I don't. It's getting worse, you know. We're too busy to talk. I'm avoiding it for some reason. Wait, no. I want him to bring it up. The whole fight. Everything. But we can't talk. Cause he doesn't bring it up. && so i'm left with all these unsaid words. All these god damn unsaid words. && all i want to do is run. Run so far away. just forget about it. It hurts, you know? We didn't talk about it today. && I think it's getting worse. It's just. Not fi'cks'ing. But maybe that's because I'm not fi'cks'ing it. I should say sorry. Be mature. But why. Why should I? My heart hurts right now and he doesn't even know. But I'm stupid and immature because I e'cks'pect so much from him. But then I just want to be acknowledged. I'm so fucking invisible. I know it's retarded and shit that I feel invisible. Everyone knows we go out. But still. Besides that. I'm just Ali. I'm stupid in public. I don't act like his girl. He doesn't act like my boyfriend. We're so fucking bad for each other. And I'm so fucking tired. I just want to be acknowledged. I know we're not like other couples but no lie, i get so jealous when I see picture of guys with their girlfriends while I'm not even majano's background on his phone. I'm just there. His girlfriend. That's it. And it's annoying. Two fucking years. Almost two fucking years. && it hurts. to feel not important anymore. I don't know if we should make up. If my heart's still hurting, I don't think it's good for me to be with him. But then he's been with me even if I've been a pain in the ass. But I'm so. ugh. my heart hurts right now. Like I'm physically hurting. Man, I really don't want to deal with school tommorow. I don't know what to do. I want a map. I just want a freaking map. I've screwed up way too many times and I'm not learning a single thing. && WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO!? I WANT TO FREAKING SCREAM. SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS. I'M SO TIRED OF FREAKING EVERYTHING. I JUST WANT TO GIVE UP. I WANT TO BE SOME FUCKING COWARD. I DONT WANT TO DEPEND ON ANYBODY, ANYTHING, I JUST WANT TO BE EMOTIONLESS. EMOTIONS ARE TOO HARD TO HANDLE. MY HEART HURTS.


how many times does my heart have to take this pain in my lifetime. i just want some answers. everyone wants answers. I'm dying for some. i'm such a god damn fuck up. i'm indecisive. i'm confused. i don't know what i'm going to do in life. i'm lazy. i have potential but i'm so fucking lazy. i'm selfish. i'm undeserving. i'm quiet. i'm tired all the time. i talk about people. i curse too much. i'm tired. all i do is read. and it doesn't even help me. i forget all the time. i'm too emotional. i'm sleeping late. i wake up in the middle of the night all the time. restless nights. i don't know what to do about my boyfriend e'cks'-boyfriend thing. i am so fucking tired of life. i try to hard and get nothing. i'm selfish. i'm naive. i'm too nice. i'm boring. i'm uninteresting. i'm not good at anything. i'm not going anywhere in life. i'm just tired. that's alli can say. i don't know and i'm tired. i'm a bum. i dress lousy. i'm not prepared for the real-world. i'm messed up. i just want to cry all the time. i just want to cry. i am crying. i cry all the time. i don't eat breakfast. i barely eat. i don't want to talk to jamila, so i say i'm going somewhere. i don't want to walk home with anyone. i'm tired. i just want to go away already. i want to scream on a mountaintop. i want a map. i want help. I'm weak. and stupid. and a coward. i'm just like my dad. i'm tired. i'm tired. i'm tired. my heart hurts. my heart hurts. i'm just this mess of a human being. i have an attitude with the people i care most about. why am i a mistake. why does my dad hate me. why am i such a problem for my mom and abby. why am i here.

why do i feel so lost.




"daughter to father, daughter to father, i am broken but i'm still hoping. daughter to father, daughter to father. Did you ever love me? Did you ever love me. These are the confessions of a broken heart.

I wait. for the postman. to bring me a letter." - confessions of a broken heart.

Confessions.

confessions.
1. i like the gift majano gave me for christmas. i like how he knew i would like it. ( a snowglobe with out pictures)
2. every single time i hear the last couple lines of phantom of the opera where she kisses him and says, "You are not alone." & when he says, "Christine I love you." I still cry.
3. eternal sunshine of the spotless mind makes me cry when it goes, "At least make up a goodbye." and he goes, "I love you, clem." when she says, "Bye Joely." & it's making me tear now just thinking about it.
4. whenever I feel like crying I just watch these movies so that I have the excuse to bawl my eyes out.
5. Christmas didn't feel like christmas, but I'm thankful for the break. I'm dead tired of school and such.
6. Abby got me a classic winnie the pooh for christmas, it's a adorable.
7. I hate the fact that my dad always has to keep himself in the picture somehow.
8. I still get sad when I see his face. All I'm thinking is, "Why did it have to come to this?" this whole I hate you even if your my own father thing. & I remember the times he used to be there for us. & God, it still breaks my heart.
9. I'm fucked up. I don't know what I want, I don't know who I want to be. I don't know. That's like my motto, and I hate it.
10. God, I am so sleepy.
11. I want to scream "Penis!" out loud and say that I have torrets in public like they did in 500 days of summer.
12. I'm so tired right now.
13. I want to roleplay on gaia, just so I can get into the knack of writing again.
14. I don't like journalism anymore, maybe it's cause I'm lazy.
15. Me and majano have been way too busy for each other. His swim, me school. & whenever we see each other it's only for a short period of time. 3 hours. Which is short. trust me. To get all this whole physical stuff out of the way considering we haven't seen each other in like 3 weeks, usually. that usually takes 3 hours. & then we can talk. And i love that part. When we talk.
16. I think I think too much about majano.
17. I badmouth him all the time when I talk about him to people I don't know. I don't really know why. I called him a jackass in front of my friend Deanna. & she was like, "Why?" & I was just like cause he's selfish, spoiled, hardheaded, narrowminded. Yaddayaddayadda. But i love him anyway.
18. God, I hate that word. Love.
19. With a passion.
20. I dream about other guys sometimes.
21. But it's only cause me and majano are drifting? That's no excuse. I won't go kissing anybody else trust me.
22. God, I hate this whole shit.
23. I like victoria's secret perfume angel's desire. it smells great.
24. I don't want to sleep yet.
25. I'm getting fat.
26. I want to do something worthwhile but it all comes back to me. Cause I'm selfish.
27. I'm self-conscious.
28. Insecure.
29. and get jealous easily.
30. I only think about my flaws.
31. When there's probably one or two good things about me.
32. My hand hurts. To be continued.

A Mess.

I haven't blogged in a while. It's cause I'm busy. But I was reading this shit & i realized how freaking deep & raw all this crap is. & I haven't written anything like that in a while. & i'm looking at pictures on dear_bright_young_love.'ecks'anga.com. & i love the pictures. & the quotes. Majano doesn't like the quotes. He says they suck. I can't see why. But whatever. I'm so freaking tired. One more day, one more day. That's all I'm hoping for, looking forward to. Sleeping till noon. I need a break. From life. So I'm up again at 10:22. Not sleeping yet 'cause I miss the feeling of the keyboard under my fingertips for all the right reasons. Not for some god damn Journalism Article, or for some bullshitted homework. I'm really tired of Junior year. But it's a crucial year, I heard. For college, and stuff. But I don't even know what I want to do in my life. All I've been sure of since the 6/7th grade was that I am going to change the world for the better. Not with a big bang. But with small stuff. Post it notes anonymously posted throughout the world saying, "You are loved." Maybe something like that. So if you see that, then that's going to be me alright. Oh, the joys of teen angst & e'cks'haustion. "Forever". I like the thought of the word, but I don't think it e'cks'sist. Me and Majano aren't going to last Forever. We just aren't. We woulnd't last a month in college. But y'know. I'm trying this thing where I live in the moment? Where I don't care about the future? But it hasn't been working out. I mean, I always find a way to think of the future. NYU, HCCC, College. Senior year. Pranks. I don't know. I want to pull a prank. Live in the moment. But like, I don't know. I just want to escape. Like majano said, "Get away from the same old same old."Just for a moment. Then I want to come back. But I don't think that makes sense does it? I don't know. I'm just a mess. A really big disaster. A contradiction. That's the only way I can describe myself. I read too much. Absorbed in these books, these stories, these quotes that dictate who I am. But nobody would really notice unless I'm all loud and outgoing. So what do i do? I don't know what the fuck I'm talkinga bout. I need to stop cursing. What's wrong with me. Why do I feel invisible sometimes? I don't know. Things are getting to my head. I don't want anything for christmas. Maybe a couple of books. Maybe a bookshelf. Maybe a key necklace. Or something sentimental. I dig sentimental shit. I really do. I always want people to notice the little things I do like using two packets of hot chocolate instead of one. Or putting garlic powder on my pizza. Or that my right eyebrow goes up in a bewildered e'cks'pression most of the time. Or that maybe I pick at my nails. & I don't look at the parts in movies when they start yelling or something. I don't know. I'm just a mess really. All this stuff is just spilled out 'cause I am so fkcing tired. Anyways, goodnight. I'll write again tommorow.



After a 2 hour nap. Or something.