why do i feel so lost.

it's late, i'm so fucking tired already. It's wed. The week's almost over. Two more days of the week to get through. 3 freaking days. Longest 3 freaking days of my life. && me and majano are still not together. Mainly my fault because I didn't tell Majano that I wanted to get back together yet. && I do want to get back together but then I don't. It's getting worse, you know. We're too busy to talk. I'm avoiding it for some reason. Wait, no. I want him to bring it up. The whole fight. Everything. But we can't talk. Cause he doesn't bring it up. && so i'm left with all these unsaid words. All these god damn unsaid words. && all i want to do is run. Run so far away. just forget about it. It hurts, you know? We didn't talk about it today. && I think it's getting worse. It's just. Not fi'cks'ing. But maybe that's because I'm not fi'cks'ing it. I should say sorry. Be mature. But why. Why should I? My heart hurts right now and he doesn't even know. But I'm stupid and immature because I e'cks'pect so much from him. But then I just want to be acknowledged. I'm so fucking invisible. I know it's retarded and shit that I feel invisible. Everyone knows we go out. But still. Besides that. I'm just Ali. I'm stupid in public. I don't act like his girl. He doesn't act like my boyfriend. We're so fucking bad for each other. And I'm so fucking tired. I just want to be acknowledged. I know we're not like other couples but no lie, i get so jealous when I see picture of guys with their girlfriends while I'm not even majano's background on his phone. I'm just there. His girlfriend. That's it. And it's annoying. Two fucking years. Almost two fucking years. && it hurts. to feel not important anymore. I don't know if we should make up. If my heart's still hurting, I don't think it's good for me to be with him. But then he's been with me even if I've been a pain in the ass. But I'm so. ugh. my heart hurts right now. Like I'm physically hurting. Man, I really don't want to deal with school tommorow. I don't know what to do. I want a map. I just want a freaking map. I've screwed up way too many times and I'm not learning a single thing. && WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO!? I WANT TO FREAKING SCREAM. SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS. I'M SO TIRED OF FREAKING EVERYTHING. I JUST WANT TO GIVE UP. I WANT TO BE SOME FUCKING COWARD. I DONT WANT TO DEPEND ON ANYBODY, ANYTHING, I JUST WANT TO BE EMOTIONLESS. EMOTIONS ARE TOO HARD TO HANDLE. MY HEART HURTS.


how many times does my heart have to take this pain in my lifetime. i just want some answers. everyone wants answers. I'm dying for some. i'm such a god damn fuck up. i'm indecisive. i'm confused. i don't know what i'm going to do in life. i'm lazy. i have potential but i'm so fucking lazy. i'm selfish. i'm undeserving. i'm quiet. i'm tired all the time. i talk about people. i curse too much. i'm tired. all i do is read. and it doesn't even help me. i forget all the time. i'm too emotional. i'm sleeping late. i wake up in the middle of the night all the time. restless nights. i don't know what to do about my boyfriend e'cks'-boyfriend thing. i am so fucking tired of life. i try to hard and get nothing. i'm selfish. i'm naive. i'm too nice. i'm boring. i'm uninteresting. i'm not good at anything. i'm not going anywhere in life. i'm just tired. that's alli can say. i don't know and i'm tired. i'm a bum. i dress lousy. i'm not prepared for the real-world. i'm messed up. i just want to cry all the time. i just want to cry. i am crying. i cry all the time. i don't eat breakfast. i barely eat. i don't want to talk to jamila, so i say i'm going somewhere. i don't want to walk home with anyone. i'm tired. i just want to go away already. i want to scream on a mountaintop. i want a map. i want help. I'm weak. and stupid. and a coward. i'm just like my dad. i'm tired. i'm tired. i'm tired. my heart hurts. my heart hurts. i'm just this mess of a human being. i have an attitude with the people i care most about. why am i a mistake. why does my dad hate me. why am i such a problem for my mom and abby. why am i here.

why do i feel so lost.




"daughter to father, daughter to father, i am broken but i'm still hoping. daughter to father, daughter to father. Did you ever love me? Did you ever love me. These are the confessions of a broken heart.

I wait. for the postman. to bring me a letter." - confessions of a broken heart.

Confessions.

confessions.
1. i like the gift majano gave me for christmas. i like how he knew i would like it. ( a snowglobe with out pictures)
2. every single time i hear the last couple lines of phantom of the opera where she kisses him and says, "You are not alone." & when he says, "Christine I love you." I still cry.
3. eternal sunshine of the spotless mind makes me cry when it goes, "At least make up a goodbye." and he goes, "I love you, clem." when she says, "Bye Joely." & it's making me tear now just thinking about it.
4. whenever I feel like crying I just watch these movies so that I have the excuse to bawl my eyes out.
5. Christmas didn't feel like christmas, but I'm thankful for the break. I'm dead tired of school and such.
6. Abby got me a classic winnie the pooh for christmas, it's a adorable.
7. I hate the fact that my dad always has to keep himself in the picture somehow.
8. I still get sad when I see his face. All I'm thinking is, "Why did it have to come to this?" this whole I hate you even if your my own father thing. & I remember the times he used to be there for us. & God, it still breaks my heart.
9. I'm fucked up. I don't know what I want, I don't know who I want to be. I don't know. That's like my motto, and I hate it.
10. God, I am so sleepy.
11. I want to scream "Penis!" out loud and say that I have torrets in public like they did in 500 days of summer.
12. I'm so tired right now.
13. I want to roleplay on gaia, just so I can get into the knack of writing again.
14. I don't like journalism anymore, maybe it's cause I'm lazy.
15. Me and majano have been way too busy for each other. His swim, me school. & whenever we see each other it's only for a short period of time. 3 hours. Which is short. trust me. To get all this whole physical stuff out of the way considering we haven't seen each other in like 3 weeks, usually. that usually takes 3 hours. & then we can talk. And i love that part. When we talk.
16. I think I think too much about majano.
17. I badmouth him all the time when I talk about him to people I don't know. I don't really know why. I called him a jackass in front of my friend Deanna. & she was like, "Why?" & I was just like cause he's selfish, spoiled, hardheaded, narrowminded. Yaddayaddayadda. But i love him anyway.
18. God, I hate that word. Love.
19. With a passion.
20. I dream about other guys sometimes.
21. But it's only cause me and majano are drifting? That's no excuse. I won't go kissing anybody else trust me.
22. God, I hate this whole shit.
23. I like victoria's secret perfume angel's desire. it smells great.
24. I don't want to sleep yet.
25. I'm getting fat.
26. I want to do something worthwhile but it all comes back to me. Cause I'm selfish.
27. I'm self-conscious.
28. Insecure.
29. and get jealous easily.
30. I only think about my flaws.
31. When there's probably one or two good things about me.
32. My hand hurts. To be continued.

A Mess.

I haven't blogged in a while. It's cause I'm busy. But I was reading this shit & i realized how freaking deep & raw all this crap is. & I haven't written anything like that in a while. & i'm looking at pictures on dear_bright_young_love.'ecks'anga.com. & i love the pictures. & the quotes. Majano doesn't like the quotes. He says they suck. I can't see why. But whatever. I'm so freaking tired. One more day, one more day. That's all I'm hoping for, looking forward to. Sleeping till noon. I need a break. From life. So I'm up again at 10:22. Not sleeping yet 'cause I miss the feeling of the keyboard under my fingertips for all the right reasons. Not for some god damn Journalism Article, or for some bullshitted homework. I'm really tired of Junior year. But it's a crucial year, I heard. For college, and stuff. But I don't even know what I want to do in my life. All I've been sure of since the 6/7th grade was that I am going to change the world for the better. Not with a big bang. But with small stuff. Post it notes anonymously posted throughout the world saying, "You are loved." Maybe something like that. So if you see that, then that's going to be me alright. Oh, the joys of teen angst & e'cks'haustion. "Forever". I like the thought of the word, but I don't think it e'cks'sist. Me and Majano aren't going to last Forever. We just aren't. We woulnd't last a month in college. But y'know. I'm trying this thing where I live in the moment? Where I don't care about the future? But it hasn't been working out. I mean, I always find a way to think of the future. NYU, HCCC, College. Senior year. Pranks. I don't know. I want to pull a prank. Live in the moment. But like, I don't know. I just want to escape. Like majano said, "Get away from the same old same old."Just for a moment. Then I want to come back. But I don't think that makes sense does it? I don't know. I'm just a mess. A really big disaster. A contradiction. That's the only way I can describe myself. I read too much. Absorbed in these books, these stories, these quotes that dictate who I am. But nobody would really notice unless I'm all loud and outgoing. So what do i do? I don't know what the fuck I'm talkinga bout. I need to stop cursing. What's wrong with me. Why do I feel invisible sometimes? I don't know. Things are getting to my head. I don't want anything for christmas. Maybe a couple of books. Maybe a bookshelf. Maybe a key necklace. Or something sentimental. I dig sentimental shit. I really do. I always want people to notice the little things I do like using two packets of hot chocolate instead of one. Or putting garlic powder on my pizza. Or that my right eyebrow goes up in a bewildered e'cks'pression most of the time. Or that maybe I pick at my nails. & I don't look at the parts in movies when they start yelling or something. I don't know. I'm just a mess really. All this stuff is just spilled out 'cause I am so fkcing tired. Anyways, goodnight. I'll write again tommorow.



After a 2 hour nap. Or something.

I could cry in comfort.

So, I am so fucking tired of life. I am so tired of fucking trying. I try my fucking hardest and all i get are fucking 3's and B's. And especially in my freaking journalism and english classes. Pissed me off so much. I didn't expect to get B's in my favorite classes. God, I'm so freaking tired of trying. And I had so much shit to do today. & I need a fucking job, like theres no fucking tommorow. & my mom always says how i'm not going to manage getting a job because i'm not organized and stuff like that, but still. I'm so freaking tired, I need a job to distract me. & freaking majano, I'm just so stressed and then we got into this conversation about insecurities. & idk, all this shit. Then we fought for some reason, I don't know why. But I'm tired, and I just want to cry. And I need a freaking de-stressatiser. I just want to drown in my misery. I want to write. I want to escape all this stuff and disappear for a while. I don't know. It's not that I don't want to hang out with majano, its just I'm tired. What do you expect? And I'm so fucking tired that I'm trying to justify the fact that I'm not in UC anymore. (better education, shit like that) but I can't. & It's annoying the hell out of me. I want to disappear. I want to cry. Just so its all out of my system. I hate apologizing. I hate apologizing with a passion. I know it shows that I'm a stubborn coward, but I hate it. I know I'm indecisive. I know I'm not going to have a good future. I know what's wrong with me. But at the same time i Don't. It's bothering me, ever so much.

I wish they didn't sleep with me so I could cry in comfort instead of worrying about when they wake up.

Whackwhackwhakc.

So, vent a little bit. Stressing hella much lately. been keeping up with the grades and everything. anyway i broke down today 'cause i was so tired and stressed and i don't know. whack. Anyways my mom was yelling at me asking me what's wrong and I had a feeling it had to do with majano. I think majano triggers my an'ecks'iety attacks. Like I only had two. This is my second. But Eeh. Like I think it's bad. I need to stop thinking about stuff so much. About the relationship yaddayadda. But anyway. She asked me if I had se'cks'. and Like, majanos got it in a couple times but like, we haven't had full on se'cks' so I told her no. That's true right? I hope so. Anyways, I don't want to have full on secks anytime soon because I feel like it's giving myself completely to him? I mean, obviously I'm not a virgin cause he's got it in like 3 times? or more I'm pretty sure. But only single digits. But yeah, but no full on secks. Cause it feels like I'm going to feel completely vulnerable. & I'm not ready. And i guess that's why my mom doesn't want me to have secks? Bad ass grammer in this blog. queer. anyways, yeahs. But I feel bad cause he gets condoms? And we never finish cause I'm scared. & agh. i don't know. I'm okay with quickies but not full on secks. Or Making Love. Or Fucking. I can't have an hour secks. But my hormones want to ? But then I can't cause I'm not mentally ready I guess?

Agh. I'm so confused lately. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack.

He makes me happy.

just had the best day with majano, in like forever. i miss our late nights. see i'm up at 12; 23 still cause i dont want to go to sleep and forget. i mean i want to forget i'm hungry. but boy, i'm in love with this kid. it's not just the whole making out intense session thing, after like two weeks. but it's like, when we were laughing and talking and just fooling around. i freaking love that part of our relationship. like i'd give anything just to have that like, every single day. i'd even try to stop cursing. i love this kid so freakin' much. i mean, its not just a phyical attraction. he's the one who makes me smile une'ecks'pectedly. he's the one who makes me stay up late nights after have a good time with him. he's the one who makes me think. he's the one who makes my stomach erupt in freakin' butterflies, all the time. i mean, i know, i know we're not supposed to have se'ecks' and do anything like that. but man, other than that. i love this kid so freakin' much. I mean, we were just fooling around and I was messing with joel, and majano was laying across from me. Our foreheads touching. and it felt so right. It feels so right with him. and then it feels wrong. I know i contradict myself alot. but damn, lemme have this moment. i mean. i just had like a day of no fighting with majano. & i freakin' loved it. I love how i can still taste his kiss after he's left. i love how i can still smell him everytime i touch my close. i love holding his hands. it's the simple things y'know? & i really hope i stay with him forever. I mean, I'm prepared for wherever life takes me. But I hope. i really hope it's with him.

i'm in love with john majano. he makes me happy.

Please, please, just find me.

So. I don't know whats wrong with me. I love that we got our new puppy, Joel/MichaelAngelo/Leo/Theodore/Pongo. [We haven't decided on a name]. & I'm super happy, because he's our baby. And we have to watch him all the time. & it distracts me from school, missing majano, shit like that. & Last night, I questioned myself why I was being such a bitch to him lately. & I concluded its cause, well. If he does end up leaving me, or whatever for someone else, I figured it'd be because I was a bitch to him, y'know? At least in my mind I'd convince myself that he left me 'cause I was being a bitch. I'm just preparing myself for the worst. Or whats going to happen. I don't know anymore! I'm going everywhere in circles, octogons, squares, all kinds of neverending shapes. I'm so god damn lost with him. I don't know anymore! I want to be with him, I don't want to be with him. I'm fucking scared shitless of what he does to me. I'm not used to being completely vulnerable. I don't care if I'm using my dad as an e'ecks'cuse or whatever, but its the truth. I'm lost because of him. I'm fucking scared because of him. I want this whole thing between me and majano to be over then I dont because of him. I'm so fucking lost. Like I feel like I don't belong anywhere e'ecks'cept with abbz/tina/caresse/kat. cause its alright with caresse and kat. And abbz and tina are my best friends. They get me in ways people don't. Abby gives me advice and lets me talk to her till 1 in the morning even if shes sleepy. Tina cries when she reads all my writing because she understand all this shit I go through. & fuck they're my best friends. & I wish I could just be with them because it'd be fine with them. & I don't feel lost, I feel found. And when that feelings gone, I feel like I'm the only person in the world. Like no one can see me. & fuck, you don't understand how much I hate this empty feeling.

y'know, I prayed every single night for the past like, month? I pray for the same things every night. For God to keep Abby and Mommy safe. For Him to keep Tito Louie and Joel/Puppy safe. For him to maybe save my dad from whatever is wrong with him. And to keep Tina safe.

And the last words I pray are, "& God? Can you please find me? Like how Jesus left the herd of sheep when that one strayed away. I was wondering if you can find me. Because I've been lost and my hearts been hurting. So please, please, just find me."