Hi, I'm just waiting for a sign.

It's ridiculous, I know to search for a sign. Signs come to you when you're not searching for them. That is why my ipod, which only now has 15 songs, can not give me the sign i need. Or the fact that I randomly chose my lucky number and went to that page on my tumblr and it still gave me no sign. It's ridiculous to seek out signs like this but I am really in desperate need of one. Which is why I'm writing in my blogspot after how many days, months, maybe a year. Because I'm really really confused on what to do. And I really really wish I wasn't ending 2010 with a stupid mistake. And I have faith, I do I do. I really do have faith, God. I have faith that You'll make sure that everything is alright. The first time this happened, you made sure nothing happened. Because I prayed to you. And all the times after that, You made sure it didn't happen. And I functioned on nothing but prayer. But he's getting the plan B pill because he's insecure. And I think it won't hurt. But I really do have faith God. I really do pray that You'll help me through this because I made a stupid mistake. Like you helped me through the rollercoaster. And how you actually caught me in Your arms. If I come out of this completely normal, and things are fine - It's because You take care of me. You save me, God. Like how You helped me find myself. And whatever happens, happens. And I really hope You'll take care of me God. I always believe that You will always catch me in Your arms. I just wanted to write this because I needed a sign, but now I realize that things will be fine. I really did want to thank you God. For taking care of me so much. For taking of this reckless human being You call one of Your children. Please, I just ask that everything be fine so that Majano isn't hurt and my Mom and Abby aren't disappointed. Especially that I don't hurt them from my stupid mistakes.

Sincerely,

The girl who sat in gate 3, now sitting on a wooden chair in front of her computer.

Sink or Swim / Contendness.

I'm stressed. I've got a lot on my mind. I've been feeling rather incompetent lately. I compare myself a lot to those kids who have been headed towards college since their freshman year. Those kids that have been taking the SATs, and getting good grades, and making their parents proud. But I've had a good life, y'know. I've been through a lot. And I understand this blog is just a teenage girl's incessant complaining, but I gotta let it out somewhere. I've realized something though. That it's a sink or swim world. That regardless of the past, all I've got is today. And I might as well make the best out of today. And I may not be the smartest, prettiest, funniest, most confident girl in the world, but I am happy where I am, y'know? And I may not have a certain goal like becoming a doctor or anything, but I do know what I want my future to look like. I want to travel. Touch the world's wonders with my fingertips. I want to taste food in Italy, dance in Paris, help kids in Sudan, and jump off a cliff in Greece. I want to tell my kids, grandkids, all the adventures I had y'know? I want to be a story teller. Not necessarily a legend, or popular or anything like that. I just want to experience life at its utmost fullest. I want to see first hand all the things we've taken advantage of. All the moments in time that we didn't realize were completely gone. I want to help people.

Whenever I tell people that they always look at me funny. I'm not a person whose confident enough in their dreams to ignore said looks, y'know. I've got a weak heart. I'm naive. But I want to geniunely help people. So my plan is to major in business, get money and give it all away. I'm gonna buy a house for my mom, and a beach house for me and my sister. I just want to be happy in life, and as cliche as that sounds - it's the truth.

After reading these old blogs, and these old letters and such - I realized that I don't want my life to be a sob story. All these things, they're in the past. And I gotta let go in order for me to move forward. This summer, I barely even went to the beach or any other places. I mostly just stayed home and studied. And I'm not completely bummed out like I was the last two summers. I'm cool with it, cos well I had fun. Me and my sister watched movies, we played games, we played boggle, we napped, we watched toy story. I hung out with my sister and mom. My birthday we didn't even do anything. And it was cool yknow? We ran in the rain. My mom actually ran in the rain with us to our car. It was quite hilarious. We laughed. I hung out with my friends. I drank for the first time. I chilled with friends. I laughed with friends. I played skeeball with my boyfriend. Played maplestory with my best friends. Watched movies with SSUSQ. Yknow, it was cool. I didn't need to go on a road trip to have fun. We had fun just chillin at home. And I like that. That now I can be happy with the little moments we have. Because we're content 'cos we moved. We don't need to worry about our dad or anything. And I'm happy. I guess my mom was right.

Moving gave us our piece of mind.

when is enough - enough?

"we can't seem to get past how are yous,
we're not talking like we used to."

two years, one month, seventeen days. two years. two years. two years. tell me, are we skipping to the married couple stage where we seem tired, unhappy, and bored? tell me are you bored with me? all these mood swings, these random fights i pick with you, these inevitable temper tantrums i throw - so i ask you, can you handle me? yes, you say. yes, i think i can, you say. but i shake my head. no, no, i know you can't. you leave me hanging on this thread, pulling me up only when convenient. i fell in love with you when we didn't talk for three days and i talked to you and you were still there and i was like man she's always gonna be there, you say. please don't take advantage of me, i say. i'll try not to, you say. maybe it's in my imagination, that you only talk to me when convenient. we are both getting busy, and we're both drifting. changing. changing. why do things like to change on me when everythings alright? when everything seems to reach it's peak, something has to change. i miss the old times. the old late night conversations, love/hate relationship, teasing each other, missing each other, saying words we mean but still keeping our guard up selves. why, why. i've already matured. you met me when i was in the process of maturing. have i changed since freshman year? have i? i wonder. you're changing because all this stuff is helping to shape the man you're going to be. but tell me, does that mean that you're not supposed to be with me? maybe this drifting thing is a sign? maybe i'm supposed to help you become the man you'll be and you'll help me become the woman i'll be. maybe we're not supposed to be together. i heard soulmates are just supposed to shape who you are. i don't quite know how to say anything i dont know what to think. my heart aches. for these unknown reason. empty promises. unanswered questions.

where are we going? where. all this time wasted, moping, depressed, just sitting around crying about senseless things. all this time wasted fighting. fighting about nothing. i wish nothing could change into sweet nothings, whispered into your ear like they say in the movies. not everyone could be happy. not everyone gets what they want. why? life is like that.

so tell me, when two people love each other but can't get their shit together, when is enough - enough ?

Queeee.

I am way too emotionally for my own good. I cried today because i got a virus in the only working computer in the house. I feel like i made another bad impression on majanos family. And i feel bad because i really want them to like me yknow? And i hope we stay together forever but thinking realistically, thats highly unlikely. Being one in a million couples to last a lifetime together is a rather ridiculous thought. Im typing on my ithouch so excus any typos. And excuse the random trailing houghts becaus iv got at least a million and a half things on my mind right now. My eyes are killing me, im on spring break. I loved friday where me and majano just chilled. Well obgiously we got the physical things out of the way frst, then we chilled. I giggled mad much, like a giddy high aschool girl in love. Ever wonder wha being in love really is like? I wondEr if im in love. Thatd be great. I do lovmajano. I do. He gets me on ways i dont get myslf. I sometimes still get jealos of uc kids but its going away alot now. Im content as to where i am, just gotta be content to who i am. Gota find myself. Lost like always. But ive got bigger things to worry bot then honor roll dinners. Ive got stuff like lving life, loving my family, being in love, and finding happiness to worry about. Who kmows maybe ive got all thE answers.

LOST. LOST. nothing but lost.

i'm so fucking lost. i'm so irritated. Annoyed. I hate myself so much. I hate that I'm a fuck up like my dad. I hate that i'm indecisive like my dad. I hate that every quality i have just reaks of him. & he says that I'm like my mom. I'm not. I'm not emotionally stable. I'm not persistent. I'm not clean. I'm not anything. I am just what I am. A Fuck. Up. I hate myself. Everyone knows what they're going to do when they get out of high school, but I don't. Am I going no where? Am I just following this narrow road to the end of my life? I don't know who I am. I don't know who I want to be. I don't know how to overcome anything. I am a small tiny child in a corner during a thunderstorm. I just want help. But there is no help. Just me. By myself. How do people see the good stuff? All I see are flaws. Stitched together. That's all I am. Why am I lost all the time. Why can't I ever find my way? Nights wasted crying when I could be living. All these stupid, stupid regrets. All these stupid, stupid thoughts. Where am I going? What am I going to do? Nothing. Who am I going to be when I grow up? Nobody. Nobody at all. Because I'm not good at anything, at all. I'm not a good writer. There are a million hundred better writers than me. My sister is even a better writer than me. My sister makes me mom more proud then me. Why does it feel like nobody wants me? Because that's all I am. A screw-up. I never stick to what I want to do. All I'm good at is talking about myself. I'm an egotistical son of a bitch. With low self esteem and no confidence whatsoever. A face in a crowded room. Nothing but a face. Why do I feel so lonely? Lonely. I'm so selfish, aren't I? I have friends. Some people don't even have families. Flaws. Flaws. Flaws.

Just another face in a crowded room. Nothing but a face.

why

why am i such a fuck up. i can never do anything right. just for once, i wanna do something right. i gave up doing it for lent. but i ended up doing it today. i hate myself. i hate myself so much. i told my sister a couple weeks ago about the condoms that im hiding for majano. im corrupting her mind. im just one big whole fuck up. i talk too much. i can never do anything right. im not strong willed. i cant do anything. i always end up doing shit that i dont want to. i always end up doing shit that i know is wrong. i know that my mom would be disappointed at me. i know my sister is disappointed at me. i wanna cry. why am i such a fuck up. what's wrong with me? why am i like this. why cant i just be calm and a good person. why. what is wrong with me. God, will he punish me for being like this? He's disappointed at who i am. i need to change. change. change. change. change. for lent. that's it. changing. no cursing, no slacking, no sexual related activities. nothing. nothing nothing. nothing. i need to stop. now.

ramble - 23432118908895364559

haven't rambled in a while. had the longest weekend and i'm tired, so i think i'm going to sleep early tonight. one more day before school. it's almost summer. <3 fucking looking forward to that. ah, but then i gotta make it the best cos i'm going to college soon. well a year and a half. it's crazy to think about. makes you feel rather melancholic about everything, so i won't think about it. i've been slackin' lately. did not do that article for the newspaper that was due on the snow day. woah, first article i haven't done for the newspaper. shame on me. shame shame shame. my sisters snoring away. i just want it to be summer already so i'm already chilling and such. no worries. <3 please, just take me to summer already.

it was valentine's day the other day, well yesterday. i don't really celebrate it but jay's been getting me something since freshman year, and i haven't gotten him anything. the only thing i got him was a card. it was lady and the tramp and it played belle notte when it was opened. but the card itself said, "With you, i just knew." that in itself describes our relationship. <3 oh love. such a silly game we play. & he got me this thing that lights up and shit && he got me another picture frame<3. it's cute. i might see him tommorow, but i'm not sure. he's getting his license soon. s'yeah. i had to tell someone about majano being dumb about not hiding the condoms so i accidentally said it to abby. i hope she forgets, 'cos when majano put them in my pocket and i said wheres my bag, she already knew i was gonna hide them. && like, she felt so bad. she was upset. now i know to keep my mouth shut. i talk to much. i talk too much. i talk too much. even with my mom. so now i know, that some stuff you just shouldn't say. && the problem with me is that i gotta tell people cos i don't wanna be quiet about it. it's not i want to brag, but i dont want to face shit alone again. && idkk. i just have a knack for word vomiting after the whole incident. no more talking ali no more talking. my wrist is killing me. && bubby bit me really hard and i have za cut/bruise on my arm muscle && its killing me. :/ goodnight for now, world.

We always end up together again. &&

blahblahblahblah. SO. we always end up getting back together. && truth be told, i wouldn't have stayed if it weren't for caresse && karen. <3 love those kids. But yeahs, it's like fight, make up . repeat the process. I don't know what it is that always brings me back to him. or him back to me. Or whatever. But for some reason it always happens. "Is that love?" He asked. I didn't know. Was that? Or was it simply because we haven't seen each other so we got stubborn and fought. Then when we finally see each other it's different. It's always different when we see each other. I don't know what it is that always brings us back together. I wonder what it is. y'know? I wonder if we're meant to be together or something. I thought for sure this was going to def end. Three days I didn't te'cks't him and he didn't te'cks't me. Three days. Longest we haven't talked. && then he ends up just saying the few words that would make me mad. "Why would you come to a party if you're not enjoying it?" Something along those lines. && I end up holding his hand. I don't know. It was spur of the moment. Agh, spur of the moment. Fights are inevitable. Change is inevitable. We're going to fight again. I just know it. Soon. I know. But we just made up but I have a feeling we'll fight soon. Really soon. It makes me sad. But I'm so happy that we're together again. I really missed him. I cried. It made me cry. Y'know cause my heart was hurting and all. I don't know. His parents yelled at him. They called him an idiot. lol. Because he broke up with me. They said that "If you didn't love her you wouldn't spend two years with her." && i don't know. Me and him know we use the word love but we really don't mean it. Because we don't know what it means. But honestly, maybe we are in love. maybe because we're so focused on us not being in love that we actually fell in love? I don't know. I'm thinking so much. Boy oh boy. So much stuff was reminding me of him. He said he came for Joey because Joey was going to be the only guy there. I wonder why we went though. Both of us. Y'know? I don't know. I missed him. I love him. I love him not. I zunno anymore. But remember. Fight Make up repeat the process.

Bubby.

Bubby, my dog. He makes me happy. I'm tired from school. I finished my algebra 2 quadratics take home quiz which was hard. Then I finished my catcher in the rye composition. Didn't do my mission statement for Club In-Cog-Ni-To. Didn't finish psych's questions for the shawshank redemption. Gotta give Bubby a bath tommorow and go to the laundromat to wash his bed cover thing. It reeks of piss. I have to do my abortion debate. I have to finish my journalism project. I have to write my article for the March newspaper. I've got the HSPA i've got to pass in March in order to graduate. I've got the SATs in march. I didn't study. I can't read. I can't write. My mom thinks that I'm fine. I'm not. I'm busying myself. Everything's reminding me of him. My friend Ale'cks' is reminding me of him. Maybe it was supposed to be like this. Maybe I'm supposed to be e'cks'tra busy when this happened. Boy, I really need a break. But I can't have one. I don't have time for one. I'm booked for the ne'cks't two months. I've got HSPA classes to take, Clubs to make. All this shit, I'm so fucking tired of it. Tired of everything. All this bullshit that life's throwing me one after the other. I'm tired of faking that I'm alright at school.

One more day, one more day. Escape just from everything. Everyone.

I need a break. A break. I just need a break.

I love bubby. I like how he's always happy when he sees me. When he sees us. Plays with us. Because well he's a puppy. && I love that. the only thing that's not changing.

The only thing that keeps me going is when I get home I see Bubby jumping up and down and Abby's saying, "Go, boy!"

&&.

My heart hurts. Still.

Slow motion - Karina.
So much about this crazy game they call love, that i'm trying to understand. So could you be my best friend before you call yourself my man? Why can't I love you in slow motion, take my time? Take away the pressures on my mind. Really get to know you, but rewind. I wanna love you in slow motion. Why can't I?

Gravity - Sarah Bareilles.
Something always brings me back to you. It never takes too long. No matter what I say or do. I still feel you here, till the moment I'm gone. You hold me without touch. You keep me without chains. I never wanted anything so much. Then to drown in your love and not feel your rain. Set me free, leave me be, I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity. You loved me 'cos I'm fragile, when I thought that I was strong. But you touched me for a little while, and all my fragile strength is gone.

My throat hurts. I'm sick && I have so much crap to do. I've got to edit this article for the paper, and do another one for the march issue on top of that. I have to do the In-Cog-Ni-To club we have. & this english thing for the catcher in the rye. The sweet 16 on sunday. & I still can't get majano out of my head so I can't even concentrate in class. Stupid stupid stupid.


"You’re in a car with a beautiful boy, and he won’t tell you that he loves you, but he loves you. And you feel like you’ve done something terrible, like robbed a liquor store, or swallowed pills, or shoveled yourself a grave in the dirt, and you’re tired. You’re in a car with a beautiful boy, and you’re trying not to tell him that you love him, and you’re trying to choke down the feeling, and you’re trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you’ve discovered something you didn’t even have a name for." -Richard Siken

why do i feel so lost.

it's late, i'm so fucking tired already. It's wed. The week's almost over. Two more days of the week to get through. 3 freaking days. Longest 3 freaking days of my life. && me and majano are still not together. Mainly my fault because I didn't tell Majano that I wanted to get back together yet. && I do want to get back together but then I don't. It's getting worse, you know. We're too busy to talk. I'm avoiding it for some reason. Wait, no. I want him to bring it up. The whole fight. Everything. But we can't talk. Cause he doesn't bring it up. && so i'm left with all these unsaid words. All these god damn unsaid words. && all i want to do is run. Run so far away. just forget about it. It hurts, you know? We didn't talk about it today. && I think it's getting worse. It's just. Not fi'cks'ing. But maybe that's because I'm not fi'cks'ing it. I should say sorry. Be mature. But why. Why should I? My heart hurts right now and he doesn't even know. But I'm stupid and immature because I e'cks'pect so much from him. But then I just want to be acknowledged. I'm so fucking invisible. I know it's retarded and shit that I feel invisible. Everyone knows we go out. But still. Besides that. I'm just Ali. I'm stupid in public. I don't act like his girl. He doesn't act like my boyfriend. We're so fucking bad for each other. And I'm so fucking tired. I just want to be acknowledged. I know we're not like other couples but no lie, i get so jealous when I see picture of guys with their girlfriends while I'm not even majano's background on his phone. I'm just there. His girlfriend. That's it. And it's annoying. Two fucking years. Almost two fucking years. && it hurts. to feel not important anymore. I don't know if we should make up. If my heart's still hurting, I don't think it's good for me to be with him. But then he's been with me even if I've been a pain in the ass. But I'm so. ugh. my heart hurts right now. Like I'm physically hurting. Man, I really don't want to deal with school tommorow. I don't know what to do. I want a map. I just want a freaking map. I've screwed up way too many times and I'm not learning a single thing. && WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO!? I WANT TO FREAKING SCREAM. SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS. I'M SO TIRED OF FREAKING EVERYTHING. I JUST WANT TO GIVE UP. I WANT TO BE SOME FUCKING COWARD. I DONT WANT TO DEPEND ON ANYBODY, ANYTHING, I JUST WANT TO BE EMOTIONLESS. EMOTIONS ARE TOO HARD TO HANDLE. MY HEART HURTS.


how many times does my heart have to take this pain in my lifetime. i just want some answers. everyone wants answers. I'm dying for some. i'm such a god damn fuck up. i'm indecisive. i'm confused. i don't know what i'm going to do in life. i'm lazy. i have potential but i'm so fucking lazy. i'm selfish. i'm undeserving. i'm quiet. i'm tired all the time. i talk about people. i curse too much. i'm tired. all i do is read. and it doesn't even help me. i forget all the time. i'm too emotional. i'm sleeping late. i wake up in the middle of the night all the time. restless nights. i don't know what to do about my boyfriend e'cks'-boyfriend thing. i am so fucking tired of life. i try to hard and get nothing. i'm selfish. i'm naive. i'm too nice. i'm boring. i'm uninteresting. i'm not good at anything. i'm not going anywhere in life. i'm just tired. that's alli can say. i don't know and i'm tired. i'm a bum. i dress lousy. i'm not prepared for the real-world. i'm messed up. i just want to cry all the time. i just want to cry. i am crying. i cry all the time. i don't eat breakfast. i barely eat. i don't want to talk to jamila, so i say i'm going somewhere. i don't want to walk home with anyone. i'm tired. i just want to go away already. i want to scream on a mountaintop. i want a map. i want help. I'm weak. and stupid. and a coward. i'm just like my dad. i'm tired. i'm tired. i'm tired. my heart hurts. my heart hurts. i'm just this mess of a human being. i have an attitude with the people i care most about. why am i a mistake. why does my dad hate me. why am i such a problem for my mom and abby. why am i here.

why do i feel so lost.




"daughter to father, daughter to father, i am broken but i'm still hoping. daughter to father, daughter to father. Did you ever love me? Did you ever love me. These are the confessions of a broken heart.

I wait. for the postman. to bring me a letter." - confessions of a broken heart.

Confessions.

confessions.
1. i like the gift majano gave me for christmas. i like how he knew i would like it. ( a snowglobe with out pictures)
2. every single time i hear the last couple lines of phantom of the opera where she kisses him and says, "You are not alone." & when he says, "Christine I love you." I still cry.
3. eternal sunshine of the spotless mind makes me cry when it goes, "At least make up a goodbye." and he goes, "I love you, clem." when she says, "Bye Joely." & it's making me tear now just thinking about it.
4. whenever I feel like crying I just watch these movies so that I have the excuse to bawl my eyes out.
5. Christmas didn't feel like christmas, but I'm thankful for the break. I'm dead tired of school and such.
6. Abby got me a classic winnie the pooh for christmas, it's a adorable.
7. I hate the fact that my dad always has to keep himself in the picture somehow.
8. I still get sad when I see his face. All I'm thinking is, "Why did it have to come to this?" this whole I hate you even if your my own father thing. & I remember the times he used to be there for us. & God, it still breaks my heart.
9. I'm fucked up. I don't know what I want, I don't know who I want to be. I don't know. That's like my motto, and I hate it.
10. God, I am so sleepy.
11. I want to scream "Penis!" out loud and say that I have torrets in public like they did in 500 days of summer.
12. I'm so tired right now.
13. I want to roleplay on gaia, just so I can get into the knack of writing again.
14. I don't like journalism anymore, maybe it's cause I'm lazy.
15. Me and majano have been way too busy for each other. His swim, me school. & whenever we see each other it's only for a short period of time. 3 hours. Which is short. trust me. To get all this whole physical stuff out of the way considering we haven't seen each other in like 3 weeks, usually. that usually takes 3 hours. & then we can talk. And i love that part. When we talk.
16. I think I think too much about majano.
17. I badmouth him all the time when I talk about him to people I don't know. I don't really know why. I called him a jackass in front of my friend Deanna. & she was like, "Why?" & I was just like cause he's selfish, spoiled, hardheaded, narrowminded. Yaddayaddayadda. But i love him anyway.
18. God, I hate that word. Love.
19. With a passion.
20. I dream about other guys sometimes.
21. But it's only cause me and majano are drifting? That's no excuse. I won't go kissing anybody else trust me.
22. God, I hate this whole shit.
23. I like victoria's secret perfume angel's desire. it smells great.
24. I don't want to sleep yet.
25. I'm getting fat.
26. I want to do something worthwhile but it all comes back to me. Cause I'm selfish.
27. I'm self-conscious.
28. Insecure.
29. and get jealous easily.
30. I only think about my flaws.
31. When there's probably one or two good things about me.
32. My hand hurts. To be continued.

A Mess.

I haven't blogged in a while. It's cause I'm busy. But I was reading this shit & i realized how freaking deep & raw all this crap is. & I haven't written anything like that in a while. & i'm looking at pictures on dear_bright_young_love.'ecks'anga.com. & i love the pictures. & the quotes. Majano doesn't like the quotes. He says they suck. I can't see why. But whatever. I'm so freaking tired. One more day, one more day. That's all I'm hoping for, looking forward to. Sleeping till noon. I need a break. From life. So I'm up again at 10:22. Not sleeping yet 'cause I miss the feeling of the keyboard under my fingertips for all the right reasons. Not for some god damn Journalism Article, or for some bullshitted homework. I'm really tired of Junior year. But it's a crucial year, I heard. For college, and stuff. But I don't even know what I want to do in my life. All I've been sure of since the 6/7th grade was that I am going to change the world for the better. Not with a big bang. But with small stuff. Post it notes anonymously posted throughout the world saying, "You are loved." Maybe something like that. So if you see that, then that's going to be me alright. Oh, the joys of teen angst & e'cks'haustion. "Forever". I like the thought of the word, but I don't think it e'cks'sist. Me and Majano aren't going to last Forever. We just aren't. We woulnd't last a month in college. But y'know. I'm trying this thing where I live in the moment? Where I don't care about the future? But it hasn't been working out. I mean, I always find a way to think of the future. NYU, HCCC, College. Senior year. Pranks. I don't know. I want to pull a prank. Live in the moment. But like, I don't know. I just want to escape. Like majano said, "Get away from the same old same old."Just for a moment. Then I want to come back. But I don't think that makes sense does it? I don't know. I'm just a mess. A really big disaster. A contradiction. That's the only way I can describe myself. I read too much. Absorbed in these books, these stories, these quotes that dictate who I am. But nobody would really notice unless I'm all loud and outgoing. So what do i do? I don't know what the fuck I'm talkinga bout. I need to stop cursing. What's wrong with me. Why do I feel invisible sometimes? I don't know. Things are getting to my head. I don't want anything for christmas. Maybe a couple of books. Maybe a bookshelf. Maybe a key necklace. Or something sentimental. I dig sentimental shit. I really do. I always want people to notice the little things I do like using two packets of hot chocolate instead of one. Or putting garlic powder on my pizza. Or that my right eyebrow goes up in a bewildered e'cks'pression most of the time. Or that maybe I pick at my nails. & I don't look at the parts in movies when they start yelling or something. I don't know. I'm just a mess really. All this stuff is just spilled out 'cause I am so fkcing tired. Anyways, goodnight. I'll write again tommorow.



After a 2 hour nap. Or something.

I could cry in comfort.

So, I am so fucking tired of life. I am so tired of fucking trying. I try my fucking hardest and all i get are fucking 3's and B's. And especially in my freaking journalism and english classes. Pissed me off so much. I didn't expect to get B's in my favorite classes. God, I'm so freaking tired of trying. And I had so much shit to do today. & I need a fucking job, like theres no fucking tommorow. & my mom always says how i'm not going to manage getting a job because i'm not organized and stuff like that, but still. I'm so freaking tired, I need a job to distract me. & freaking majano, I'm just so stressed and then we got into this conversation about insecurities. & idk, all this shit. Then we fought for some reason, I don't know why. But I'm tired, and I just want to cry. And I need a freaking de-stressatiser. I just want to drown in my misery. I want to write. I want to escape all this stuff and disappear for a while. I don't know. It's not that I don't want to hang out with majano, its just I'm tired. What do you expect? And I'm so fucking tired that I'm trying to justify the fact that I'm not in UC anymore. (better education, shit like that) but I can't. & It's annoying the hell out of me. I want to disappear. I want to cry. Just so its all out of my system. I hate apologizing. I hate apologizing with a passion. I know it shows that I'm a stubborn coward, but I hate it. I know I'm indecisive. I know I'm not going to have a good future. I know what's wrong with me. But at the same time i Don't. It's bothering me, ever so much.

I wish they didn't sleep with me so I could cry in comfort instead of worrying about when they wake up.

Whackwhackwhakc.

So, vent a little bit. Stressing hella much lately. been keeping up with the grades and everything. anyway i broke down today 'cause i was so tired and stressed and i don't know. whack. Anyways my mom was yelling at me asking me what's wrong and I had a feeling it had to do with majano. I think majano triggers my an'ecks'iety attacks. Like I only had two. This is my second. But Eeh. Like I think it's bad. I need to stop thinking about stuff so much. About the relationship yaddayadda. But anyway. She asked me if I had se'cks'. and Like, majanos got it in a couple times but like, we haven't had full on se'cks' so I told her no. That's true right? I hope so. Anyways, I don't want to have full on secks anytime soon because I feel like it's giving myself completely to him? I mean, obviously I'm not a virgin cause he's got it in like 3 times? or more I'm pretty sure. But only single digits. But yeah, but no full on secks. Cause it feels like I'm going to feel completely vulnerable. & I'm not ready. And i guess that's why my mom doesn't want me to have secks? Bad ass grammer in this blog. queer. anyways, yeahs. But I feel bad cause he gets condoms? And we never finish cause I'm scared. & agh. i don't know. I'm okay with quickies but not full on secks. Or Making Love. Or Fucking. I can't have an hour secks. But my hormones want to ? But then I can't cause I'm not mentally ready I guess?

Agh. I'm so confused lately. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack.

He makes me happy.

just had the best day with majano, in like forever. i miss our late nights. see i'm up at 12; 23 still cause i dont want to go to sleep and forget. i mean i want to forget i'm hungry. but boy, i'm in love with this kid. it's not just the whole making out intense session thing, after like two weeks. but it's like, when we were laughing and talking and just fooling around. i freaking love that part of our relationship. like i'd give anything just to have that like, every single day. i'd even try to stop cursing. i love this kid so freakin' much. i mean, its not just a phyical attraction. he's the one who makes me smile une'ecks'pectedly. he's the one who makes me stay up late nights after have a good time with him. he's the one who makes me think. he's the one who makes my stomach erupt in freakin' butterflies, all the time. i mean, i know, i know we're not supposed to have se'ecks' and do anything like that. but man, other than that. i love this kid so freakin' much. I mean, we were just fooling around and I was messing with joel, and majano was laying across from me. Our foreheads touching. and it felt so right. It feels so right with him. and then it feels wrong. I know i contradict myself alot. but damn, lemme have this moment. i mean. i just had like a day of no fighting with majano. & i freakin' loved it. I love how i can still taste his kiss after he's left. i love how i can still smell him everytime i touch my close. i love holding his hands. it's the simple things y'know? & i really hope i stay with him forever. I mean, I'm prepared for wherever life takes me. But I hope. i really hope it's with him.

i'm in love with john majano. he makes me happy.

Please, please, just find me.

So. I don't know whats wrong with me. I love that we got our new puppy, Joel/MichaelAngelo/Leo/Theodore/Pongo. [We haven't decided on a name]. & I'm super happy, because he's our baby. And we have to watch him all the time. & it distracts me from school, missing majano, shit like that. & Last night, I questioned myself why I was being such a bitch to him lately. & I concluded its cause, well. If he does end up leaving me, or whatever for someone else, I figured it'd be because I was a bitch to him, y'know? At least in my mind I'd convince myself that he left me 'cause I was being a bitch. I'm just preparing myself for the worst. Or whats going to happen. I don't know anymore! I'm going everywhere in circles, octogons, squares, all kinds of neverending shapes. I'm so god damn lost with him. I don't know anymore! I want to be with him, I don't want to be with him. I'm fucking scared shitless of what he does to me. I'm not used to being completely vulnerable. I don't care if I'm using my dad as an e'ecks'cuse or whatever, but its the truth. I'm lost because of him. I'm fucking scared because of him. I want this whole thing between me and majano to be over then I dont because of him. I'm so fucking lost. Like I feel like I don't belong anywhere e'ecks'cept with abbz/tina/caresse/kat. cause its alright with caresse and kat. And abbz and tina are my best friends. They get me in ways people don't. Abby gives me advice and lets me talk to her till 1 in the morning even if shes sleepy. Tina cries when she reads all my writing because she understand all this shit I go through. & fuck they're my best friends. & I wish I could just be with them because it'd be fine with them. & I don't feel lost, I feel found. And when that feelings gone, I feel like I'm the only person in the world. Like no one can see me. & fuck, you don't understand how much I hate this empty feeling.

y'know, I prayed every single night for the past like, month? I pray for the same things every night. For God to keep Abby and Mommy safe. For Him to keep Tito Louie and Joel/Puppy safe. For him to maybe save my dad from whatever is wrong with him. And to keep Tina safe.

And the last words I pray are, "& God? Can you please find me? Like how Jesus left the herd of sheep when that one strayed away. I was wondering if you can find me. Because I've been lost and my hearts been hurting. So please, please, just find me."

outsidelookingin.

lonelylonelylonely. i've been awfully lonely, lately. "junior schedule, junior schedule, junior schedule." I'm on the outside looking in. I'm drifting from Karen. feels like it. I don't want to hang with her tommorow. 'Cause we'd hang with Sammy/ Jupe/ Resa, and like I miss them and all but they'd be talking about shit I don't know about. & everythings all weird. 'Cause i feel like I don't belong anywhere. & it's not like anybody'll understand. Because I'm at UHS and I don't belong there either because like, I've been in a catholic school all my life. I haven't grown up with those kids. & the friends I actually want to spend my years with are like, in another school. Forgetting about me. & I don't know. it's quite lonely. That's why i love hanging out with Abby & Tina, because with them, it feels like it doesn't matter. but with other people it feels like it does. Like everything is just going on, and I'm just on the outside looking in. & I don't belong, anywhere. I feel like I'm lost. Everywhere. Cept with Abbz and Tina. They're the only ones I belong with. I don't even know with Majano. Because he's moving on too. & he's with them. And I don't know. Left out. I don't know. I mean, its not like I want to be part of the crowd so desperately but like. idk. im just out of everything. its like i dont belong anywhere.


P.S. I just fell on my ass and like cut my ankle. wtf is wrong with me. my laptop landed in this weird position. what a fail.

sometimes i get emotional.

i'm feeling a little more lonely, melacholic, and nostalgic lately. =/

Infatuation.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eb2eSZ2x5aE

so, this song was on my friend's facebook & it's got me thinking. how do we know when it's not infatuation. "you just know." I'm sure you do, but what if you were in love but you didn't believe it? like, you thought it was infatuation? what distincts one thing from another. "real love is more than butterflies in your stomach." so then that's deep like, right? but then, how do you know.

"we're looking for love but we're not sure what to find." & that's true. because how do you know what you're looking for. it's like going on a neverending circle, looking for whatever it is called love. & i'm just wondering how do you know when it's love because i've always wondered that with majano. I say i'm in love with him, i tell him i'm in love with him, but i seriously think it's only infatuation. but is it? or is it just because i don't want myself to be in love ? i'm not sure. because, i'm looking for love but then i'm not. so, tell me, when do you know?

is there just a feeling that goes, "yes, he/she's the one." or maybe it's a fleeting moment and you just plummet downwards without knowing it. & how does one, fall out of love. does that mean they weren't in love in the first place? because how do you stop loving the person you love ? and sometimes, i just wish i had a map to the human soul because too many things in this world contradict each other, confusing so many people in the process.

how does one know when they've fallen? it's a simple question. i just need a simple answer besides the usual, "You'll know." because if you have doubts, is it because you're insecure about it? or is it because it's not really love? And i'm just so confused. hm.